Even though I've worked my way through the overwhelming shock, denial, pain, grief, anger, and every other emotion that wreaked havoc on my mind during the hellish 10 months that I was married to Neil, I'm going to give myself permission on this one day - this one-year anniversary marking a nightmarish evening - to LET THE VENOM FLY.
And yes, I repeat, I HAD TO CALL THE POLICE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM MY H-U-S-B-A-N-D. How pathetic is that?!? What kind of man would terrify his wife to the point where she had to call the police to have him removed from her house - a house that he did not even own?? (Yes, obviously a rhetorical question.) But still.....let's explore this question, rhetorical or not....
Would this kind of man be:
1) An absolute jerk?
2) A man without even a half an ounce of pride?
3) Maybe some kind of psycho?(ie: see my blog post dated January 14)
4) Merely another law enforcement dude with a seriously major ego that keeps him feeling he's above the law?
5) All of the above? None of the above? I'm open to suggestions because I honestly cannot figure out what someone like that could possibly be thinking.
What I do know without a doubt is that I'd never been more terrified than I was on that night of February 5, 2010. I have the 7-minute 911 tape to prove it. And that call came after roughly 40 minutes or so (it seemed like hours) of drama, when Neil had spent time pacing through my house talking incoherently and at times angrily, his eyes flashing. And he wouldn't leave. (Again, I ask: What kind of man...?!?....hmm. See #4 above)
At one point, he and I were standing in the laundry room, in between the cat litter box and the back door to the garage. Yes, ironically,...we were very near a box containing shit. (See my post dated October 8, A Shit Hole of a Marriage.) And I was hoping that he would suddenly, magically, leave through the door so that I would never have to see him again. But, instead, he turned to me and said that I should give him a blow job. Really, Neil?!? Nice. (And what kind of man...?!...See #1 above.)
The fear that had started as a ball in my stomach the minute he'd forced his way through my front door earlier that evening, swiftly rose up to my throat at that point and I somehow made it to the phone in the next room, managing through the wave of nausea to then run into my bathroom where I felt safe enough to dial 911. He obviously knew that I was calling for help (my house isn't that big), and yet he still refused to leave and continued pacing through my house, from the kitchen to my bedroom to my closet and back, at times yelling at me. (What kind of man does this?!?....See #3 above.) As I clutched the phone, crying and shaking and trying to listen to the 911 operator, I wondered if he was going to pull one of his guns on me. I wondered if I would see my children again.
So... back to the present, one year later, when I occasionally look back on that night, incredulous that it even happened to me. Still somewhat stunned that I actually had a man like that in my life at all. A man who not only terrified me on that night and on other occasions as well, but who also had an affair with a married woman the entire time he was with me. So....what kind of man would DO something like that?!? (See #2 above.)
And, yes, this blog post is not my typical - yes, it is spewing anger and not at all pretty - but you know, it's all indicative of that horrible, hellish, nightmare of an evening when I was frightened to death by a SHIT of a man who doesn't deserve the above analysis or even another millisecond of my time and brain energy. You've just got to get angry, scream out and let the venom fly in order to release it all and move on.
So I'm done here. I've expressed what I wanted to mark this insane anniversary, and for the rest of my life I won't give it another thought, other than to use my story to help advocate for others who may find themselves in a similar situation. Because as much as I'd like to believe that there are no other bad men in the world, I know well that there are other men like Neil out there who are frightening and abusing women -- simply because they can.