Order of Protection Survivor

CDC's latest report: 1 in 4 women were violently attacked by a husband or boyfriend

2011-12-15T10:02:00.000-08:00

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) released the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS) yesterday, based on a telephone survey conducted in 2010. Results show that "on average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States." You can find details of the report here, as well as a fact sheet and toolkit.

One in 4 women in the U.S. say they were violently attacked by a husband or boyfriend. NPR calls this a "startling" number. NPR reports that as many as 1 in 3 women have experienced rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetimes.

Personally, as a women's health advocate, I'm not at all surprised. As I read through the comments from government officials and others who seem truly shocked by the results, I'm relieved that the CDC's report will help spread awareness of this ugly part of our society that has remained hidden for far too long. It's time for us to take notice and take action. Thankfully, the CDC has begun a new annual project in this area....it will be interesting to see how the agency proceeds to tackle this major public health issue.

What has evolution got to do with it?

2011-09-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

Two U.S. researchers are trying to connect domestic violence to ancient origins while attempting to provide an evolutionary explanation for the root cause of violence. For example, they say that domestic violence "carries a selective advantage tied with reproductive success," and "jealousy is an adaptation to keep couples together."

I'm not sure I buy this research - their study results seem very simplistic and don't really achieve anything of great value when it comes to determining who might and might not commit acts of domestic violence, or what the root cause of such violence is.

The article announcing this research appeared yesterday in New Scientist. Critics are saying that this perspective will only serve to give people an excuse to commit violence. (Evolution made me do it!)

As someone who has experienced first hand the horrors of domestic violence, I don't think I'm all that interested in evolutionary biology to provide an explanation for why I experienced what I did. I don't believe that science particularly plays much of a role in the degradation, destruction, seemingly endless pain, gripping terror and emotional paralysis that domestic violence causes. As far as what causes domestic violence....that's completely out of the scope of a couple of evolutionary scientists.....

One woman dies every 20 minutes: Help spread awareness of female genocide in India

2011-06-06T01:48:00.001-07:00

Rita Banerji of the 50 Million Missing Campaign visited my blog and left a heartbreaking comment on my previous post, sharing the story of a woman who was abused in horrific ways by her husband and in-laws. At one point, they force-fed her acid. I can't even imagine her suffering. And yet, mainly due to cultural reasons, she chose to stay with her abusive husband. That kind of story makes my heart ache.

Rita also shared with me this stunning statistic...every 20 minutes, one married woman in India dies at the hands of her husband and/or in-laws.

So what is the 50 Million Missing Campaign? Here's what the organization's website says: "The 50 Million Missing is a global campaign to stop India’s female genocide. In three generations more than 50 million women have been selectively eliminated from India’s population through practices like female feticide, infanticide, intentional starvation of girls, and dowry related murders. This is the largest, ongoing genocide in human history, and it is occurring across all sections of Indian society, irrespective of class, education, economics, religion and community."

This international campaign is powerful and far-reaching, and yet needs many more voices to help spread its message and bring an end to India's female genocide. To learn more, please visit http://50millionmissing.wordpress.com or contact the organization at 50millionmissing@gmail.com.

Crusading for a cause; After suffering personal losses, women reach out to help others

2011-05-16T21:12:00.001-07:00

Wow! How cool to appear in a magazine article along with Deborah Morosini, Christopher's Reeve's sister-in-law, and other women advocates!! It's humbling to be in an article alongside such amazing women who are doing incredible work to help others.

So many have known hardship, have somehow overcome it and then went on to speak out and advocate for others, ...and that's a beautiful thing.

You can find the article by clicking here and going to page 24-25.

Charlene Rubush, a great source of inspiration, kindly visited my blog

2011-05-07T22:33:00.001-07:00

Charlene Rubush visited my blog recently and I was so touched by the comment she left behind that I thought I'd post it (below) along with a link to her awesome blog. Charlene is a freelance writer who specializes in women's issues as well as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Her blog, Win Over PTSD, is incredibly well done and contains a wealth of resources and information, especially for combat veterans and their families. She has also written a book, found by clicking here.

I'm very touched by Charlene's communication with me in the past, and most recently, and continue to admire her work.

----------------------

Hello again Kristin,

I just "stopped by" again, and am touched by your response to my latest comment- You are such an inspiration to me!

I understand your thoughts about not posting as often in order to "move on." But I will look forward to the times when you do post, as all your readers will be interested in your progress and recovery.

I haven't been posting as often on my blog about combat-related PTSD. I had to take a mini-break too. -But I'm always compelled to come back to it, as I know the need for my experience and knowledge is out there.

I commend you for helping that woman overseas. Awesome!! You shine a bright light of hope for all of us who have "been there." I wish you peace, joy and love. Words cannot really express how much I admire you, as a woman, and as a courageous, compassionate human being.

Re-visiting the traits of a sociopath with input from a concerned woman

2011-02-26T21:08:00.000-08:00

A woman recently emailed me about a new relationship that she is in that has her concerned. She's been dating a guy for a couple of months now and is wondering if he might perhaps be a sociopath. Although I posted the below info from Lovefraud.com in a blog post back in June, she commented on it and shared her current experience (in red). So I'm posting it here. I'm grateful that she took the time to go through the list of sociopathic traits because I think there are probably a lot of women out there who can relate. It's so important to be able to recognize the traits of a sociopath. Although it's estimated that only 4-5 percent of our population are sociopaths, they're still out there, and that number may actually be on the low side.

--------------------------------------

10 Signs that you’re dating a sociopath

If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful.
He or she might be a sociopath.

1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting. He's a bit shy actually. But he is also good at talking and joking around when alone with me.

2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that. Also rather shy, but he did manage to tell me that he belongs to Mensa and has a high IQ. He did manage to tell me of lofty plans to have his own business and make a million. Kind of pie in the sky talk.

3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you
every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends. YEP YEP YEP many many texts, wants to know what I do during the day, one night when I dropped a call and didn't text a while asked "where did you go" seemed to be annoyed that I dropped out of range for a couple of hours.

4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate
you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch. Never toward ME yet. But I saw the flip as he felt slighted by someone's comment and as waiters in restaurants ignored him. He took it personally and got very grim and sullen. Very unpleasant and persistent mood. Made me feel actually alarmed and scared.

5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems. Not yet. Except in talking about three ex wives. It's kind of all their fault. I wish I could talk to them.

6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.

7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.

8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly. YES!!!!

Wants me to meet his parents.
Said he was in love with me.
Said he doesn't want anyone else to touch me!
Mentioned in passing, this would be his commute to work from MY HOUSE. We live 2 hrs apart. He is hinting he'd want to live with me and drive to work from my house. I made no comment. He said it again on the drive. Very weird.

9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks. He wants to fix his anger problem he says but hopes I will UNDRSTAND him. That is a pity thing.

10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is
unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone. I've never felt this in my marriage. That's why I am an easy target.
Sex was unbelievable. He got to me emotionally bec of it.
Ive never felt so desired or loved with my husband...and I constantly want sex with him, and way too soon. And I believed it was LOVE making rather than sex, and he called it that.

Now I feel that maybe I was even just used for sex? I don't know. He said he was in love with me before we were intimate, but we did get intimate very soon. Ironically he couldn't perfrom the first tiem he was so nervous but it was totally fine later.

I don't know what to do.

I think he is a sociopath, but I 'm not sure.

It sounds to me like this guy truly could be a sociopath - there are certainly enough red flags here to raise concern. And the fact that she is concerned is reason enough for her to end it with him....

(For more information on the traits of sociopaths, visit Lovefraud.com. The site was created by freelance writer and book author Donna Andersen, after her own experience being married to a sociopath.)

Letting the Venom Fly: The Marking of a Crazy Anniversary

2011-02-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

Today, February 5th, marks the one-year anniversary of the terrifying evening when I actually had to call the police to keep me safe from my then-husband, Neil Zucconi. This was a turning point for me, when I realized that my short-lived marriage to my second husband was definitely, absolutely, undeniably over. And when I realized how far, far, far down he had brought me - down to the point where I had to dial 911 for the very first time in my life and ask for police intervention. (Yes, my house became known in the neighborhood as "the" house where the police came due to domestic violence, thanks to Neil.)

Even though I've worked my way through the overwhelming shock, denial, pain, grief, anger, and every other emotion that wreaked havoc on my mind during the hellish 10 months that I was married to Neil, I'm going to give myself permission on this one day - this one-year anniversary marking a nightmarish evening - to LET THE VENOM FLY.

And yes, I repeat, I HAD TO CALL THE POLICE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM MY H-U-S-B-A-N-D. How pathetic is that?!? What kind of man would terrify his wife to the point where she had to call the police to have him removed from her house - a house that he did not even own?? (Yes, obviously a rhetorical question.) But still.....let's explore this question, rhetorical or not....

Would this kind of man be:

1) An absolute jerk?

2) A man without even a half an ounce of pride?

3) Maybe some kind of psycho?(ie: see my blog post dated January 14)

4) Merely another law enforcement dude with a seriously major ego that keeps him feeling he's above the law?

5) All of the above? None of the above? I'm open to suggestions because I honestly cannot figure out what someone like that could possibly be thinking.

What I do know without a doubt is that I'd never been more terrified than I was on that night of February 5, 2010. I have the 7-minute 911 tape to prove it. And that call came after roughly 40 minutes or so (it seemed like hours) of drama, when Neil had spent time pacing through my house talking incoherently and at times angrily, his eyes flashing. And he wouldn't leave. (Again, I ask: What kind of man...?!?....hmm. See #4 above)

At one point, he and I were standing in the laundry room, in between the cat litter box and the back door to the garage. Yes, ironically,...we were very near a box containing shit. (See my post dated October 8, A Shit Hole of a Marriage.) And I was hoping that he would suddenly, magically, leave through the door so that I would never have to see him again. But, instead, he turned to me and said that I should give him a blow job. Really, Neil?!? Nice. (And what kind of man...?!...See #1 above.)

The fear that had started as a ball in my stomach the minute he'd forced his way through my front door earlier that evening, swiftly rose up to my throat at that point and I somehow made it to the phone in the next room, managing through the wave of nausea to then run into my bathroom where I felt safe enough to dial 911. He obviously knew that I was calling for help (my house isn't that big), and yet he still refused to leave and continued pacing through my house, from the kitchen to my bedroom to my closet and back, at times yelling at me. (What kind of man does this?!?....See #3 above.) As I clutched the phone, crying and shaking and trying to listen to the 911 operator, I wondered if he was going to pull one of his guns on me. I wondered if I would see my children again.

So... back to the present, one year later, when I occasionally look back on that night, incredulous that it even happened to me. Still somewhat stunned that I actually had a man like that in my life at all. A man who not only terrified me on that night and on other occasions as well, but who also had an affair with a married woman the entire time he was with me. So....what kind of man would DO something like that?!? (See #2 above.)

And, yes, this blog post is not my typical - yes, it is spewing anger and not at all pretty - but you know, it's all indicative of that horrible, hellish, nightmare of an evening when I was frightened to death by a SHIT of a man who doesn't deserve the above analysis or even another millisecond of my time and brain energy. You've just got to get angry, scream out and let the venom fly in order to release it all and move on.

So I'm done here. I've expressed what I wanted to mark this insane anniversary, and for the rest of my life I won't give it another thought, other than to use my story to help advocate for others who may find themselves in a similar situation. Because as much as I'd like to believe that there are no other bad men in the world, I know well that there are other men like Neil out there who are frightening and abusing women -- simply because they can.

Family Court System Is Broken - this blog rocks!!

2011-02-01T06:38:00.000-08:00

There is a fabulous and very helpful blog called Family Court System Is Broken that was started by a woman who was fed up with the many fallacies of family court. It is crucial that domestic violence victims and their advocates know about the flaws that exist in family court, as well as the differences between family court and criminal court systems.

One issue that struck me while I was reading a post on this blog entitled What You Need to Know About Divorce if You Have Been in an Abusive Marriage is the fact that many abuse victims are so caught up in the hellish cycle of abuse that they don't know which end is up. An abused woman may not know if/when her abusive husband is lying, and even when she suspects that he is lying, she still hopes that he isn't. It's that awful fog of denial that prevents many abuse victims from seeing and comprehending what is actually happening to them. By the time it's apparent that a divorce is on the horizon, the abuse victim is often so incredibly exhausted, emotionally drained and terrified about her finances, that she's willing to do just about anything to avoid a nightmarish divorce process.

But when an abusive husband tells his wife that he wants an "amicable" divorce, she can't afford to believe him for a second. Even though it may sound tempting and easy. The truth is, there is no such thing as an amicable divorce with an abusive spouse. It's just not going to happen, and the abuse victim will most likely end up being victimized all over again in the court system.

There are some great tips as well as helpful links throughout this blog - it's well worth checking out.

How do you trust again?

2011-01-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

I recently received an email from an incredibly insightful woman who is on her own journey of recovery and healing where she hopes to regain the ability to love again. She asked me how my experience of being in an abusive relationship has shaped my actions and perceptions of men.

I thought this was a great question and it really made me stop and think. I know I've gone through stages over the past year where I've felt a total lack of faith in ever being able to have an honest and loving relationship again. Men seemed like the enemy. I was so blown away by all of the overwhelming deceit and the horrific abuse that I experienced while married to Neil Zucconi, that it was difficult to look beyond it all and envision myself dating again.

Fortunately, I happen to have some really good men in my life who have helped me tremendously through their friendship as I've gradually gathered my strength and my faith back. My first husband has been my steadfast best friend through thick and thin over the past 25 years. And I also have some fantastic friendships with men whom I've known since elementary school, as well as colleagues, family friends and neighbors, who have all helped me shift my perception and renew my faith in the fact that only a very small percentage of men out there are bad eggs. I just happened to pick one, but it was through no fault of my own.

I guess I got to a point a few months ago when I made a decision not to let what my ex did to me affect my inherent trusting self. I've always been a very trusting and open person. And I'm not going to let a monster change that. Because that's part of who I am. And I won't let a person or a life event strip part of me away. I feel good about dating now. I've got myself back - my confidence, my sense of humor, my happiness, my tremendous appreciation of my life....and I'm happy to share it with someone else.

I know that I'll find more heartache and struggle and I proceed through life. I don't bother with having faith or trusting that I won't. That's futile. Because it's going to happen. But.... I also know that I'll get through it.

Sudden violence and a face that says a thousand words

2011-01-14T21:11:00.000-08:00

I took a little hiatus from this blog over the holidays and can't say that I really missed this topic much at all. I obviously started this blog for a reason - to express myself and heal during an inordinately stressful time in my life - and over time it has morphed into more of an advocacy piece that hopefully will help others find help and heal as well. Even as positive as that is, it's still hard to be in this realm because of the memories of the past year that get stirred up. So the past few weeks have been a good break for me.

But, as it happens, the tragic shooting six days ago in Tucson somehow, in a weird way, drew me back here.

At first it was just the shock of the sudden violence that got to me. It hasn't been all that long since I experienced the shock of violence in my own life, and I guess I'm still slightly sensitive. Maybe my PTSD symptoms are still holding out just under the surface, waiting to strike too quickly. Plus it hasn't been easy seeing this absolutely evil-looking, bald man staring me down from every newspaper I've picked up over the past few days. That has been enough to make my stomach drop. When one of my friends called me to say that the accused Tucson shooter, Jared Loughner, reminded her of a photo she had once seen of my ex-abuser, that totally gave me the chills.

Another thing that freaked me out was a segment on Channel 3 News that provided insights into Loughner's face. Yes, his face. A professional "face reader" who has worked with the police on various investigations was asked to "read" Loughner's face and provide info on his character. The two photos below are both of Loughner: the one on the left shows the left side of his face paired with its mirror image, and the photo on the right shows the right side of his face with its mirror image. How wild that this is the same person! The face reader said that he obviously is a sick person because the two sides of his face are so completely different. Apparently this is common among people with....issues. Especially those who try really hard to portray a certain persona to others when, in reality, inside they are completely different.

I also just happened upon an interesting article in The Washington Post today about schizophrenia. Again, I got the chills. The author pointed to the discussions raging in the media on whether or not we should blame politics or mental illness on Loughner's turn to horrific violence. And of course the old debate of whether Loughner's apparent schizophrenia is innate or due to external factors has provoked thoughtful discussion as well.

I guess a similar debate could go on with regards to domestic violence. Does a person become an abuser due to outside influence or is abuse simply part of that person's biological makeup from the get-go just waiting to rear its ugly head?

When it comes to schizophrenia, according to the author's research, external factors such as politics or violent media have no connection whatsoever to the illness. And, sadly, schizophrenics also apparently suffer from anosognosia, which means the inability to have insight into or knowledge of one's own illness. So someone like Loughner doesn't believe that he is ill. So therefore he most likely can't be helped. Hmm.....sounds like someone I knew.

I swear, those photos of Loughner truly give me the creeps. Especially those strikingly menacing eyebrows on the left image. Yikes. If you're interested in watching the "face reading" segment on Channel 3, click here. It is fascinating. Even if it does kinda make you want to hurl....

Standing strong and looking ahead to 2011

2010-12-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

Before we know it, 2010 will come to a close, and I am so ready to start a new year and put this one behind me. I know my family is too. We have been through absolute hell and back, and yet we're still standing. And even stronger than before.

So even a bully, of the scariest and most devious kind, who attempted to have so much power over me, actually in the end ... didn't.

Unbelievably, over the past year, I passed through the realms of being an abused, grief-stricken, terrorized victim who was brought to her knees... to a survivor who gradually gained her strength back enough to stand up again. It was not easy, though, and at times I was knocked back down... like when I learned that this horrible, abusive bully had an affair with a married woman while he was married to me. He terrorized her while attempting to persuade her to leave her husband for him. Knowing that I had actually married such an animal, and wondering how many other women he'd hurt, was extremely difficult to deal with.

Speaking out and trying to spread awareness of domestic violence has been incredibly empowering (one of my TV interviews can be viewed by clicking here) and I've met some amazing advocates along the way.

The healing part has definitely been a process. Yeah, I've got my groove back and I'm back on my feet, but I'm still learning.

In the meantime, I'm so very grateful for my amazing family and extraordinary friends who always have my back and were there for me when I needed a hand up. The father of my kids has been my best friend for the last 25 years through thick and thin, and his unwavering emotional support over the last year has been a godsend.

My kids taught me how strong I truly am, even when I felt my weakest. My strength was reflected in their eyes whenever they encouraged me along the way. They also showed me how steadfast their faith is, how superhuman their resilience is, and how gracefully they look to the future with hope. No matter what other horrible monsters they may encounter in life, I know the kids will be fine.

So as 2011 approaches, I look forward to starting afresh, taking a deep breath and looking ahead while 2010 slips far, far behind me.

Seniors dealing with domestic violence are often overlooked

2010-12-08T19:09:00.000-08:00

Many people think of domestic violence victims as being young women, and most likely young women who are not all that bright or experienced, etc. There's definitely a stereotype, which only makes it that much harder for many women who are being abused to come forward and seek help. Especially if they're seniors. Older women who are dealing with domestic violence often suffer in silence, and when they do speak out or seek help they find that there is no help for them.

Not only are they fighting against stereotypes, they are up against a system that is not prepared to help them. According to an article in today's Arizona Republic, "most domestic violence programs and shelters serve younger women with children." So what do you do when you're in your 60's or 70's and are desperate for help and support?

Fortunately, as covered in the article (pasted below), there is a local program here in Phoenix, DOVES, that helps older women escape domestic violence and get back on their feet. Without DOVES, these women would have no hope.

To learn more about the DOVES program and to watch a video about it, click here. DOVES is in need of donations, especially at this time of year, and can be reached at 602-264-4357.

Abused seniors turn to

DOVES

by Brennan Smith - Dec. 8, 2010 12:00 AM

The Arizona Republic

C.J. suffered domestic abuse throughout her

45-year marriage.

In 2005, she fled her husband in Indiana

and came to the Valley.

The then-62-year-old seemed to have no

place to turn - most domestic-violence

programs and shelters serve younger

women with children.

C.J. lived at Phoenix Sky Harbor International

Airport and in downtown buildings while she

desperately sought assistance. She was

finally referred to the Area Agency on

Aging's DOVES program, which provides

services for older people who are victims of

domestic violence and have run out of

options.

Alice Ghareib, director of DOVES (Domestic

Violence Does Not Respect Age), said older

women are not eligible for assistance

through organizations designed for younger

abused women with children.

"This population, there are no services for

them. There are no other options," Ghareib

said. "The issues of the older population are

unique. We need to be able to provide

services across the board no matter what

the age is."

DOVES helps about 150 senior domestic-

abuse victims yearly with transitional

housing and support groups, while also

raising awareness.

"Just because couples turn 50, it doesn't

mean domestic violence goes away," Ghareib

said.

C.J., now 67, said she had endured abuse

most of her life as her husband mentally and

verbally belittled her. Her husband is now

dead, but The Republic is withholding her

full identity to protect her safety.

"Verbal abuse for me, being naive, started at

the beginning of the marriage, and as the

years went by, it got worse and worse," C.J.

said. "I thought I was worth nothing."

In August 2005, she said, her husband

pushed her up against the bathroom wall

and the sink. He began cursing her and

choking her. Finally, she got away to a

friend's house. She decided that night she

was leaving.

The next morning, she took a flight to

Arizona with $75 in her pocket and a bag of

clothes and arrived with nowhere to stay.

DOVES took her in. She was given temporary

housing and began attending support group meetings.

Victims also receive assistance applying for

public benefits, pursuing legal action and

purchasing basic necessities.

The program costs around $350,000

annually and is largely supported by

community and business donations, Ghareib

said.

Season for Sharing has raised about

$30,000 for the program since 2007. It is

one of more than 130 agencies or programs

supported by the annual campaign, which

last year raised $2.86 million to assist

Arizonans in need.

"I can't say enough about the DOVES

program," C.J. said. "If it hadn't been for

them, I don't know where I would be right

now. I really don't."

Asked what advice she would give to a

woman who was suffering the same abuse

she went through, C.J. said she would tell the

woman that it isn't her fault.

"I don't care what you did or what you do,

abuse is never justified," C.J. said. "I would

tell them you have that right to leave, but

only you can make that decision."

Senior-abuse victims are encouraged to call

DOVES at 602-264-4357 for help.

Blaming the victim instead of the sociopath

2010-12-06T20:32:00.001-08:00

An interesting article was posted today on the Lovefraud blog. Apparently there is research on the traits of women who are most commonly targeted by sociopaths. These traits include: having a high level of compassion, tolerance and empathy as well as a willingness to compromise personal interests for the larger picture.

I've heard people say that if you just toughen up and refuse to be bullied, then you won't fall prey to a predator like a sociopath. But this seems to put all of the burden of blame on the victim rather than the abuser.

I think that no one really knows what makes a sociopath target a particular person. No one really knows how a sociopath's brain works, not even the top researchers. And that's frustrating for a survivor who is dealing with that lingering question of why she was targeted in the first place while hoping to avoid another sociopath at all costs. We all would like to be able to figure them out so that we can sense the red flags from the get-go.

So maybe we need more research into why these sociopaths, who have no self-esteem, no real identity or self control, actually do what they do. Why they take a woman's desire to invest in a relationship and manipulate it to fulfill their own needs. Enough of the research into why some women become victims -- that's beside the point. Absolutely anyone can become a victim. No one is immune. I still can't help but wonder how sociopaths can do the hurtful things they do and still live with themselves.

Is my ex-boyfriend a sociopath or just a jerk?

2010-11-29T20:40:00.000-08:00

I've just received an email from a blog reader who really wants to share her story and seek advice, so I'm posting it here. If anyone has an opinion or just wants to offer support to her, please feel free to comment below. It sounds like she's gone through a hellish dating experience, so I imagine that any words of support would be very welcome. Here's what she wrote me:

Kristin, I've been following your blog and I think it's great that you're sharing your story and helping to educate people about sociopaths. I just came out of a relationship and my head is spinning. I want to know if my ex-boyfriend is an actual sociopath or just wrapped up in himself and emotionally abusive as a result.

We had what I thought was a real connection and things moved very fast from the beginning. He kissed me only an hour after we met, and things went at light speed from there. I was so crazy about him - he seemed perfect for me and it all felt very comfortable. I've known jerks in the past, and I was looking for any red flags with him. There were none. He's divorced and has a couple of great kids and seems to be a loving dad. His life revolves around his kids, which impressed me.

We were at the point where we were getting very serious - he told me he loved me and that I was "the one" and that he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me.

Then we went to a Halloween costume party. It was awful. All these older 40-something couples were playing endless drinking games with beer (and no, believe it or not this wasn't a frat party) and getting really crazy. We were at the party for five hours. At one point during the party, the host (my ex's good friend) groped me when no one was around - he literally felt me up my dress and also pulled down the top of my dress and grabbed my breasts. He pulled his penis out of his pants and said he wanted to "f--k" me. I was so scared. I pushed him away and told him that I didn't think his wife would like it. I immediately got away from him and found my (ex)boyfriend and told him we needed to leave. As soon as we got in his car, I told him what had happened and his response was, "Oh, well, he was just drunk."

I couldn't believe his response. I felt so hurt that he didn't seem to care. To make it worse, a couple of days later my ex asked his friend about it as well as some of the other guys who had been at the party. He said he wanted to find out what "really" happened. Naturally, the guy who attacked me, and his friends, all told lies about me, like that I had come onto him, etc. So my ex basically blamed me for what had happened and believed I had caused it.

I was beside myself and completely devastated, so I broke up with him. Then just a few hours later he texted me that he had changed his mind and believed me. I told him if that was true, then I wanted to try to work things out. I still loved him so much. He said that he was very hurt that I'd broken up with him, but he thought there was still hope for us, and he would just need some time to get over the fact that I'd broken up with him. I told him that I was so sorry for breaking up with him, but I hoped he understood how upset I was when he said he didn't believe me.

A few days later we spent the night together and I really thought things were going to go back to the way they were and that we'd be able to move past what had happened at the party. The next morning as I was leaving his house, he said he'd call me. But he didn't. About a week went by. Before this, we were calling each other once or twice a day and texting dozens of times every day. I finally texted him and asked him why he hadn't called me and also asked if our relationship had all just been fake, made up of lies. He texted back, very angry, and said that he was completely offended that I would accuse him of such a thing. There was no additional communication and that was over a week ago. I basically wrote him off and was starting to get over him. Then he emailed me today out of the blue, apparently still very angry, saying that he can't believe that I would think that our relationship hadn't been real when he really had meant it when he said he loved me.

I just can't continue this drama. I don't know what he wants from me now. And I think it's so ironic because he's the one who told me repeatedly that he didn't want drama in his life. Is he just a jerk? I don't really think he's a sociopath because he seems to truly care for his kids and tries to do the best for them - I don't think a sociopath would care like that. I'm just trying to get a handle on what kind of personality type this is so I can avoid it in the future.

I'm grateful for any advice.

Purple Ribbon Council's Face of Hope

2010-10-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

I'm so very honored to have been chosen by the Purple Ribbon Council as their Face of Hope. It has been less than a year when I was literally in the fetal position, unbelievably battered and without hope. I'm grateful to be able to share my story and to hopefully help other women who are suffering.

Purple Ribbon Council is an amazing organization founded in 2006 by Donna Bartos, an extraordinary woman who is a survivor of teen dating abuse. Her goal has been to create a national movement to help prevent domestic abuse before it starts and to interrupt the cycle before it is too late. I love the Purple Ribbon Council's vision statement: Break the Silence, Break the Cycle, Save Lives. That says it all.

Click here to go to Purple Ribbon Council's Facebook page and to find out more about this wonderful organization and how you can get involved in one of its upcoming events.

Reese Witherspoon, cool jewelry and spreading awareness of domestic violence

2010-10-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

Since 2004, the Avon Foundation has worked to fight against domestic violence by spreading awareness, funding women's shelters and developing education efforts and prevention programs. Reese Witherspoon serves as Avon's Global Ambassador and has traveled all over to spread word of the Avon Foundation's Speak Out Against Domestic Violence campaign. She works hard to let people know that one in three women are targets of domestic violence at one point in their lives.

Avon's fundraising efforts include a line of jewelry, and 100 percent of the proceeds goes to fund domestic violence shelters. Witherspoon herself wears an Empowerment Ring that is included in this special product line.

At a time when we're seeing so much pink for breast cancer awareness, it's good to know about the efforts that are being made to spread awareness of the other worthy cause that is promoted during the month of October ....National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

A Shit Hole of a Marriage

2010-10-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

I do occasionally write fiction, so I guess you could take this blog post with a grain of salt.... ;)

On March 20, 2009, I married Neil Zucconi in front of a Justice of the Peace. My three beautiful children were our maid of honor, flower girl and ring bearer. They were so happy for me. Like me, they believed I was marrying a good man.

Fast forward to our honeymoon in Maui ... it's late at night, in our hotel room where my husband is pacing and yelling obscenities at me, calling me filthy names that I can't imagine anyone ever calling me.

Me: (sobbing, on the bed in the fetal position) I'm sorry I didn't eat ice cream for dessert with you. Please don't hurt me.

Back up to a few months before we married, when he is proudly telling my teenage son about the Criminal Law degree he got many years ago from a San Diego University.

Fast forward to six months into our marriage when things were very shaky, the verbal abuse had done nothing but escalate, and things got even shakier when we had this conversation:

Him - You love me, don't you? (sweet smile)

Me - Why? (holding my breath)

Him - (big sigh) I don't really have a college degree. I lied. I didn't want you to think I'm the stupid shit that I am.

Me - What are you saying?

Him - Really, I don't have a college degree. But I am taking this online class and I thought if I could get my degree online and just never tell you, then it wouldn't matter anyway because eventually I'd have my degree and it wouldn't be a lie anymore.

Me - So why are you telling me this now?

Him - Well, I'm failing this class (because I'm a stupid shit) and I need you to write my final paper for me so that I can pass. And then I can eventually get my degree and it won't matter that I lied to you about having a degree.

Me - So what else are you lying to me about?? For all I know, you could be having an affair.

Him - No, babe. I'd never do that. I love you too much. So ... would you write this paper for me? Come on, you're my wife. It's your duty if you love me.

Fast forward to September, 2010, when a woman discovers my blog and emails me to let me know that she had an affair with Neil the entire time he was dating me, engaged to me, and during the beginning of our marriage until she finally broke it off when his controlling and stalkish behavior started to scare her. She knew nothing of my existence until she found my blog.

Back up to February 9, 2010, when I went to court and filed divorce papers. I was terrified, beaten down by the abuse, beyond devastated, ashamed that I'd ever married him in the first place, (ashamed that I'd ever dated him, that I'd ever kissed him, that I'd ever given him 5 minutes of my time....) and still reeling from four days previous when I had to call 911 for the police to remove him from my home when I was terrified for my life. Shortly after filing for divorce, I filed an Order of Protection against Neil Zucconi.

This man brutally dragged me into the realm of domestic violence. This wasn't supposed to be my world. But since I am here, I am fighting back, sharing my story with any and all who will listen, and spreading awareness to help other women who deal with the insanity and chaos that exist in this realm. This shouldn't be their world either.

Please remember that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Twice as many women die from domestic violence than from breast cancer. Let's stop the violence.

Take what you want

Steal my pride

Build me up

Or cut me down to size

Shut me out

But I'll just scream

I'm only one voice in a million

But you ain't taking that from me, you ain't taking that from me ...

... Sometimes all it takes is one voice

"Strip Me" by Natasha Bedingfield

It's time to go purple

2010-10-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

October is not just about going "pink." It's also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. What most people don't realize is that domestic violence touches a lot more women's lives each year than breast cancer. One in three American women experience domestic abuse. Four women every day in the U.S. die from domestic violence.

The public assumes that we can control domestic violence, unlike breast cancer. But that's not true.

Domestic violence can seep into your life unannounced, catch you unaware and bring you to your knees before you can even catch your breath.

Just like a disease.

Domestic violence permeates into all aspects of a person's life. It controls, threatens, yells, beats, bruises, stings, scars, rapes, tortures, shames, rages, extorts, terrifies, degrades, defiles, sickens, horrifies, destroys....and kills.

Be aware. Spread awareness with the purple ribbon. It's time to go purple and end the violence.

Charlene Rubush provides excellent resources on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

2010-10-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

I'm honored that Charlene Rubush visited my blog yesterday and kindly left a comment on my previous post (below). Charlene is a writer, researcher and former wife of a Vietnam Veteran who suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and not only has she written a book on PTSD, but she also has a fantastic and extremely helpful blog, Win Over PTSD.

Charlene has an amazing range of resources on PTSD available on her blog, and I noticed some very interesting information on domestic violence and PTSD. One of her posts, dated April 7, 2010, covers an article that explored a study on the effects of war on men and how combat veterans are "more than four times as likely as other men to engage in domestic violence." This is a stunning statistic, but I'm really not all that surprised, based on what I've read about combat veterans and the challenges they face when they return to society.

Although my ex-husband has never experienced combat, he has served in the Marines and has been in the Army Reserves for nearly 17 years. I wonder if there have been studies on domestic violence and members of the military who have not actually spent time in combat. I'd be curious to know if those men would also have a higher likelihood to commit acts of domestic violence as compared to men who are not in the military. There may be something about the military environment itself that would contribute to domestic abuse.

I've always been proud to be the daughter of a Vietnam Veteran. However, now I definitely have a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to the military simply because of my ex-husband. Shortly after I filed the Order of Protection against him, I was so relieved to pack up all of his Army uniforms, boots, hats, etc., and get that stuff out of my closet and out of my house and into a storage facility. It all represented nothing but violence to me. Because he wore it. Nothing to be proud of there.

It's true that military members and families have a great number of challenges to deal with, from PTSD to other mental health issues. Charlene Rubush's blog is absolutely worth checking out.

Healing from the trauma and stress of domestic violence is not easy

2010-10-04T14:52:00.000-07:00

We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. Martin Luther King (This quote is engraved on a wall at the base of the Statue of Liberty.)

Earlier today I was talking with a victim services advocate who works in New York City and does amazing work to help women recovering from abusive relationships. She mentioned a book that she often recommends to survivors of domestic violence. It's a workbook titled "Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence" by Edward S. Kubany, Mari A. McCaig and Janet R. Laconsay, and is for women who have left the relationship or marriage and are ready to heal and move on. Apparently, it's not as helpful for women who are still in an abusive relationship.

Here's an editorial review as provided on Amazon.com: "Second only to survivors of war and victims of rape, women who are severely assaulted by their husbands or partners are the group of trauma victims most likely to suffer from the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. Researchers estimate that as many as 80 percent of these women will manifest signs of the disorder in the months and years following an assault. Until now there has been no book specifically written to help these women deal with PTSD. This sensitive and compassionate book, at last, offers them hope."

That's a pretty powerful and eye-opening statement, regarding domestic violence survivors as being "second only to survivors of war and victims of rape." And, yes, I totally believe that, having been there myself. I've never in my life experienced anything more degrading or painful as the violent, verbal assaults that beat me down during the ten long months of my abusive marriage. In addition to the abuse, the fact that he cheated on me during all that time was simply further proof that I had married a truly disgusting and hurtful person with apparently no morals or conscience whatsoever.

The book was published in 2004, and I'm not sure what has come out on the topic of domestic violence survivors and PTSD since then, so I don't know if there might be anything better or more relevant out there. I plan to check it out myself to see if it would hold any relevance to my situation. I still deal with my own recovery practically daily. Although time heals, it's not enough. Recovery takes work as well as patience.

I've written quite a bit on a couple of national web sites about my recent nightmare, and thanks to the feedback from many of the very compassionate women on the sites, I've realized that I'm not alone in this. I think it's incredibly important to share resources like the book mentioned above so we can all help each other. Sadly, domestic violence touches the lives of far too many women - 1 in 4 reportedly - and I imagine there are even more women and children than we can even fathom simply due to the stigma and shame that are attached to domestic abuse. I still have a hard time admitting that I actually married an abuser.

I'm speaking out so that hopefully it will be easier for more women to speak out as well, and seek help.

Today's Article in The Arizona Republic on my police victim services advocate who went to amazing lengths to serve my ex with an Order of Protection

2010-10-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

Kudos to The Arizona Republic for recognizing Betsy Jo Fairbrother's fabulous work in today's article while helping to spread awareness of domestic abuse!

Many people may not realize the wonderful, free services that a local police department provides to victims of domestic violence.

I know I didn't, and I was extremely grateful that my police department was there for me when I was going through my Order of Protection nightmare. My advocate, Betsy Jo, went to heroic lengths to have my then-husband served with the Order of Protection. It took a month of tireless work on her part, collaborating with numerous authorities from the National Guard to two different Sheriff departments to TSA's Internal Affairs, and more, before she tracked him down.

As reported in the article, I'm forever grateful to Betsy Jo for her extraordinary dedication to helping victims of domestic abuse.

I'm also grateful to the media, by the way, for giving the issue of domestic violence the media coverage that is so greatly needed to spread awareness and hopefully bring an end to this insidious aspect of our society. There will be more media coverage of my story in the coming days and weeks, including from the E. Coast, and I'll be posting links to an upcoming in-depth TV interview that is slated to air soon as well as a magazine article, and hopefully more....

Why I'm speaking out

2010-09-25T16:29:00.000-07:00

Someone recently asked me to write a summary of my story .... what I've been through over the past year and why I'm speaking out to spread awareness. So here is what I wrote:

I was married to a good man for 18 years, and we have three extraordinary children. Unfortunately, we had differences that we couldn't work out and divorced in April of 2008. He remains my good friend and is an excellent father to our children.

Only a few months after our divorce, I met a man who I thought was wonderful, and I quickly fell head over heels for him. An Air Marshal and Army Reservist, he had never married and had no kids. He seemed to love my kids, and when we married six months after we met, it felt natural and right.

But soon after we married, things didn't feel so natural and right. His facade began to crack, and lies started to show through. Such as the fact that he had told me and my children that he had a college degree in Criminal Law, but in reality he had never finished college.

When the verbal abuse started, I was not only horrified, but ashamed and embarrassed. It became apparent that I had made a terrible mistake, and yet I remained in a state of denial for several months as the wonderful man I thought I'd married simply faded away and I no longer recognized my husband through all of the degrading name calling and emotional manipulation. I cried nearly every day of the ten months we were married.

One night in February I called the police to remove him from my home because I was so completely terrified that he would physically hurt me or worse. When the police officers encouraged me to file an Order of Protection against him, that was the first time I'd heard those words.

I soon discovered that filing an Order of Protection against my husband was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was devastating to think that I had to go to that extreme measure to keep myself safe. Especially when I was trying to keep myself safe from the one person who I thought had my best interests at heart. Someone I trusted and opened my entire life to. Someone I believed in. To have to cope with the fact that my husband never really loved me at the same time when I was also dealing with having to file an Order of Protection against him was beyond devastating. It was also an extremely lonely place to be. Sadly, I discovered that for much of the time we were together, he was having an affair with a married woman (who actually provided me with written documentation of their affair). The combination of the abuse and the betrayal have been horrendous to deal with.

I am speaking out and sharing my story with the hopes that I can reach other women who may be hiding in the shadows with their own stories of abuse. The only way to eradicate domestic violence is to lean on each other, stand up, speak out and educate. The main thrust of my message is: you are not to blame and you are not alone.

TV clip from yesterday

2010-09-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

A clip of my interview that aired yesterday morning to promote last night's Gala:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUdz-Bh9YC8

AZ Coalition Against Domestic Violence Gala

2010-09-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

The Gala last night was a wonderful event, and I completely enjoyed learning more about the amazing and powerful work that the Coalition does, as well as hearing other domestic violence survivor stories.

Here's a link to a video of my presentation at the Gala.

I've received some awesome media coverage of my story, and appeared on the Channel 12 News after the Gala. Here's the link to last night's 10 o'clock news....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeZtoQXLj9s

I had another interview air on Channel 15 yesterday morning as well, and will be posting that clip soon.

Expect to see additional media clips in the next couple of days.

Many kudos goes out to the Gala organizers for a great evening!!!

My interview on Channel 15 ABC News this morning!

2010-09-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

I was interviewed yesterday by Channel 15 (ABC15.com), sharing my story and spreading awareness of domestic violence. Clips from my interview aired on TV twice this morning - during the Channel 15 News at both 5:00 and 6:00 am!

I'm thrilled for the exposure and the opportunity to promote the AZ Coalition Against Domestic Violence Gala this evening!! It will be an extraordinary event as well as a fabulous chance to spread awareness.

Today marks my "coming out" in the media with my domestic violence story. One reporter who interviewed me previously asked what the benefits are of "coming out." I would have to say that the main benefit is spreading my message that the horrors of abuse/domestic violence can seep into the life of any woman of any walk of life. It doesn't matter your background or socioeconomic status or education level, etc. It can happen to you. All it takes is getting involved with just the right guy....

Why did he do this?

2010-09-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

I just ran across a very insightful article on the Lovefraud blog by Liane Leedom, M.D. Her article asks the question "Why did he do this?" That's the big million dollar question asked by all victims of sociopaths. A typical, compassionate person most likely will never be able to fathom the answer to this question, because the sociopathic mind is beyond sick and impossible to comprehend.

In her article Leedom asserts that there are three main qualities that are missing from a sociopath.

1) The ability to love
2) Impulse control
3) Moral reasoning

I believe that impulse control is a biggie. I've read in multiple books on sociopaths that they are extremely sexually driven. That's a fact. Whether their hyper-sexuality is due to their apparent high testosterone level or just plain greediness, who knows. But when you've got the combination of a lack of impulse control and utter lack of moral reasoning, you can understand how sociopaths see nothing wrong with having affairs with multiple partners. Or with abusing their partner(s). Or with demanding total control of their partner(s). Or any of the other things that sociopaths do.

Well, sort of....

No, actually, not really.

I honestly can't understand it. Can't even begin to wrap my mind around it. But then again my mind doesn't work that way. So when a writer like Leedom attempts to answer the question "Why did he do this," you can analyze the qualities behind the sociopathic behaviors, but still, you're never going to find the answer you're searching for.

In my opinion, the best part of the article is this:

"One of the main reasons why victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths is that the desire for power is non-conscious. People high in empathy make use of their knowledge of their own emotions to interpret the emotions of others. Can you see then why people who rely on empathy in interactions with others completely miss sociopaths? An empathetic person correctly observes that sociopaths enjoy the company of others. He/she then self-references his/her own feelings of affection with regard to enjoying other people. The victim is fooled into interpreting power motivations as affection-related motivations."

Basically, the answer to the question "Why did he do this" is ... because he could.

Click to Empower Domestic Violence Survivors with Allstate Foundation and the NNEDV

2010-09-20T07:51:00.001-07:00

I stumbled upon the National Network to End Domestic Violence web site via Facebook and it's a great way to get involved and make a difference when it comes to spreading awareness of domestic violence while helping victims and survivors. The Allstate Foundation has started a campaign where they donate $1 to the National Network to End Domestic Violence for every person who "likes" their page on Facebook.

For more information, you can go to the Click to Empower web page by clicking here.

And to get to the web site for the National Network to End Domestic Violence, click here. It's a fabulous organization dedicated to creating a social, political and economic environment in which violence against women no longer exists. I can't think of a more noble mission.

Recently, Dr. Phil partnered with the NNEDV, which has definitely strengthened its advocacy outreach capability. He announced this partnership on his September 13th season premiere, when NNEDV's president, Sue Else, appeared as a guest on his show.

I love all of this recent advocacy - the momentum is building all over the country as organizations are reaching out and bringing domestic violence to the forefront of our nation's issues. Seeing the Click to Empower page on Facebook this morning was a great way to start the week. This stuff is what my blog is all about. :)

Happy Monday!

Advice on how to deal with cheating

2010-09-18T22:52:00.000-07:00

A friend, who shall remain anonymous, offered an answer and some advice regarding my previous post. I had asked what other women would do if they found out that their husband had been cheating on them the entire time while they were dating, engaged and newly married. My friend had this to say:

"I know that mind-boggled feeling...been there myself before. But just remember that he and his stuff are not about you. We go through life and sometimes we get someone else's "stuff" on us, but you were smarter than many women who think that if they stick it out a little longer, things will get better. Or worse, that it's their fault they got some of their guy's psycho baggage on them. You were amazingly smart and swiftly got out much faster than most. So don't let his shenanigans make you feel bad about you.

Being cheated on feels slimy, but we give the cheater power that he doesn't deserve by feeling that way for any length of time. I know I've felt emotionally raped by it, and they do steal our trust of others. But I decided a long time ago that men like that don't deserve my knowingly giving them my self-esteem.

What a total creep. If nothing else, all of this just validates that getting out fast was the smartest thing you could have done."

Thank you for the encouraging and very wise words, my friend!

Infidelity only adds to the nightmare

2010-09-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

So, my readers ... what would you do if you just found out that your husband had been sleeping with another woman, a married woman no less, while you were dating him and engaged to him, right up until the point when you married him? And, not only that, but he became scarily possessive of her and pursued her even when she wanted to break it off, to the point where she became frightened.

Would you:

a) scream

b) cry hysterically

c) vomit

d) post about it on your Facebook wall

Just curious how other women would handle this....

A blog reader shares some fantastic 'safe online dating' tips!

2010-09-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

A visitor to this blog left an awesome comment to my previous post on the perils of online dating. I love the comment so much - it's extremely helpful - that I thought I'd post it here as well so that others can easily find the info.

Here's what the anonymous visitor wrote:

Some additional helpful tips.

1. Google can provide potentially helpful information on people.

2. Make sure a friend knows where you are and who you are with and DO NOT change locations and neglect to update your friend.

3. Have a friend call 15-20 minutes into the date so you have an excuse to leave easily if needed.

4 Do a case search for arrest records in the city or county the person claims to live in and/or comes from.

5. If you are ordering food or drinks make sure you order and receive your order directly from your server, not from your date.

Be safe!

This is truly fabulous information, and a great addition to the list I started in the previous post (below). I'm really thankful for all of my readers, and commenters, who take the time to read, write and talk about these important issues - it's so important to spread awareness so that we can all be safe!!

Are online dating sites like Match.com dangerous or totally harmless?

2010-09-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

I have a couple of single friends who have tried online dating sites like Match.com, and their experiences run the gamut from total disaster dates to meeting guys who were actually very nice and fun to be with. I was recently reading a newspaper article about some of the nightmares that have occurred when people ranging from fairly harmless tricksters to dangerous predators use online dating sites as a vehicle to reach and target innocent people.

For example, one guy on Match.com was conning women by pretending to be a doctor or a federal agent or even an army reservist defending our country. In reality, he was a college student who lured women out on dates with him so that he could drug and rape them. He now faces plenty of prison time for his crimes.

However after that story we're still left with the big question of "how do you know the guy is for real" when you're staring at a profile page like the one above of "flyguy" on Match.com. (By the way, Match.com profiles are public domain, so keep in mind that when you create a profile on a dating site, anyone can link to it, like to this guy's profile.) So this "flyguy" says he's an "outgoing romantic divorced man," but how do you really know he is what he says he is? Is he really "outgoing" or actually a lazy-ass couch potato with one friend? And what does "flyguy" mean by "romantic" exactly? Does his idea of being romantic mean taking you out for a nice dinner and then calling you a f*cking b*tch when you won't eat ice cream with him for dessert? And when he says that he doesn't let his traveling get in the way of "spending quality time with that special woman who happens to be in his life," doesn't he really mean "women," because you just don't know if he might be the kind of flyguy to play around. Hmm... And he says he's divorced, but how do you know if "flyguy" ever, say, abused his wife? You just don't know....

Apparently in recent years men have become bolder about targeting their victims on dating sites. A survey research study conducted by Boston University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in 2006 reported that about 20 percent of online daters admit they lie about themselves online. Some say that the statistic has grown much larger since that study. There certainly are a lot more online daters than there were four years ago. I can only imagine that the number of liars has increased as well.

A much more recent study that came out just last month at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association brought in a lot of interesting information about online dating and its idiosyncrasies. There are definite trends when it comes to lying. People tend to add inches to their height and tens of thousands of dollars to their salaries. They probably add hair to their head. And college degrees to their credentials too....

So, again, if you decide to try online dating, how do you know what you're getting into? How can you tell an honest guy from a liar? A smooth-talking, winking federal agent from an Army reservist? A degreed professional from a sexting creep? A "flyguy" from a guy who has his feet firmly planted on the ground? Hmm. Well, it's really impossible to know. But what you can do is be smart and very, very careful. For one thing, remember that in the media you occasionally read and hear about various cases where women have been victimized by sociopaths and other demented sickos after meeting them online. Don't simply assume this couldn't happen to you. It can. And can it ever.

So the precautions you can take? I would consider the following:

- Meet your date in a public place. Very public.

- Schedule your initial date to be structured, say for exactly an hour or whatever you're comfortable with. But be clear that you have another commitment afterwards so that you're not stuck with him stringing you along and eating up your valuable time. (Don't let him be in control.)

- Assume that his online profile is a lie. Ask questions even if he answered them already on his profile. See how he answers them in person.

- Above all, trust your instincts. If you sense the slightest red flag, go with your gut feelings. Do NOT give him the benefit of the doubt in any respect. You do not have to be nice. Read through the charm. Remember that sociopaths are the most charming ones of all.

- And, if you decide to see him again, go s-l-o-w-l-y with your relationship.

I'm sure there are lots more safe online dating tips out there - this is just a start. At the very least it may help you steer towards caution as you shop the online dating sites.

Good luck, ladies!!

Donna Bartos recognized for her outstanding work by the Hon Kachina Council

2010-09-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

Donna Bartos, founder of the Purple Ribbon Council based in Phoenix, Arizona, recently was awarded the Hon Kachina Award for her tremendous contribution in the domestic violence realm. Bartos is an abuse survivor herself, and started the grassroots organization in 2006 to support, benefit and empower victims.

Bartos has done amazing work to spread awareness of this insidious problem that is rampant in our society. She created an annual event called "Girls Night Out to Cut Out Domestic Violence" that has become a nationwide movement that celebrates survivors of domestic violence. This event is an evening for women to hang out together getting spa-type services while celebrating the empowerment of women who have overcome the tragedy of abuse.

It's awesome that Bartos has been recognized by the Hon Kachina Council, which each year recognizes the achievement of amazing volunteers while also spreading awareness of the importance of volunteerism. This is quite an honor, and I think it's wonderful that the Hon Kachina Council is helping to bring domestic violence to the forefront of the critical problems plaguing our society today.

Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence to honor an amazing Victim Services Advocate

2010-09-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

I am thrilled to share the news that the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence has chosen to honor Betsy Jo Fairbrother, an incredible advocate with a local police department's Victim Services program, who has helped countless victims of domestic violence throughout her career. I can't even begin to imagine how many women's and children's lives have been touched by her while having their lives greatly improved as a direct result of her services.

In fact, Betsy was my advocate when I was going through my Order of Protection hell, and I honestly don't know what I would have done without her. She was there for me, practically 24/7 and totally helped me get my life back. I actually nominated her for the award, and it's awesome to know that something positive has come out of my own horrible experience.

When I nominated her, I heard through the domestic violence community that many, many women have been singing her praises over the years, and there are a lot of people in the domestic violence realm, from judges to police officers to victim services volunteers, who are aware of Betsy's powerful reputation. This is the first year that such an award has been bestowed on a victim services advocate by the Coalition, and it's only fitting that it would go to Betsy.

I continue to thank my lucky stars that I just happened to get paired up with Betsy back when I first got involved with the police and decided to file an Order of Protection against my then-husband, Neil. She is one incredibly strong woman I'll never forget.

A nice email from a friend made my day!

2010-09-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

I received the nicest email from a friend who has a career in law and knows the domestic violence realm quite well. When I filed for divorce last February and then filed an Order of Protection against my husband, this same friend suggested that I go buy the book "The Sociopath Next Door." That book was just the beginning of what is now my library of books on sociopaths and abusers that I've read over the last several months to educate myself enough to hopefully avoid a future nightmare like the one I've just survived.

Anyway, I digress ... back to the nice email ....

So this friend of mine emailed me the absolute nicest note after he visited this blog for the first time. I was really touched and want to share it here. As any blogger or writer knows, writing is a very solitary endeavor. It's just you and your computer. And when you're attempting to spread a worthwhile message or push an advocacy agenda, you often wonder if anyone else out there is reading what you're working so hard to put into words. My friend's email is all the more appreciated because he reminded me that this kind of work can indeed make an impact.

Here's what he wrote to me:

"Your OOP survival blog is very powerful! One of the great things that I admire about you, Kristin, is your ability to 'find your voice,' and use it to affect true change. I know very well how painful it is to discuss and rehash painful experiences that we have experienced, but in some small way it is quite liberating. I used to think that the phrase 'time heals all wounds' meant that I had to wait years to start to feel 'normal' again. But I have since learned that I am in charge of my own healing process.

I believe wholeheartedly that great things are in store for you. Personally and professionally. You have truly been blessed with an abundance of gifts, talents and insight that needs to be shared. I can say with absolute certainty that ANYONE who comes into contact with you will find themselves forever changed.

Beyond surviving the horrible atrocities you have endured, you are thriving. You have been faced with reprehensible trials in your life, but you have emerged stronger, more focused, and infinitely more resilient. Keep moving forward confidently in your journey with the self-assuredness that you possess. Wishing you serenity, and boundless joy."

How nice is that?!? (Thank you, my friend!!)

Incredibly, it has only been about 6 months since I was quite literally in the fetal position, my self esteem cruelly crushed and my life filled with terror. I'd have thought that it would have been my husband who would write me a nice email - the kind (like the one above) that would lift me up, filled with caring thoughts that would make me feel like I'm glowing from the inside out. It shouldn't have been my husband who smashed my heart, annihilated my self worth and obliterated my feelings with twisted, cruel, obscene words.

But .... things, and people, aren't always what they seem. Or what they should be. So I'll press on, move forward with this blog and keep trying to advocate so that other women can hopefully avoid the situation that I found myself in. And I will appreciate every single nice email and blog comment that comes my way and lifts my spirits as I continue my journey of healing and recovery.

Stop Abuse For Everyone, a SAFE online support group with a multitude of domestic violence resources

2010-09-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

I just came upon the web site of a wonderful human rights organization that offers unique services for all victims of domestic violence. It is called SAFE, (Stop Abuse For Everyone), is based in Lake Oswego, Oregon, and has been around since 1996. It is especially geared towards helping those domestic violence victims who typically fall through the cracks of domestic violence services and the legal system.

What's unusual is that SAFE provides an online support group as well as a lengthy list of online resources. It's easy to find the state or country where you're located and with one click you can find a seemingly endless listing of domestic violence resources and organizations in your area. One organization that the SAFE web site refers to is www.womenslaw.org, that provides very helpful legal information on how to file an Order of Protection (restraining order) and how they work. This is a great resource that I wish I'd known about last March when I filed my Order of Protection.

SAFE's online support group gives domestic violence victims the opportunity to easily participate in a forum with other victims and survivors. The support group is a safe place to reach out to others, share experiences and find a wealth of support. In the online forum, there are all kinds of domestic violence-related discussions going on, such as dealing with verbal abuse, how to move on after an abusive relationship, dealing with the shame of being abused by your husband, how to support your husband through his anger management issues, and lots more. It's helpful to have online conversations on domestic violence issues all in one place.

A September weekend in Sedona brings hope to a healing heart

2010-09-05T16:29:00.000-07:00

I am in an incredible place right now - one of the most beautiful spots in Arizona. I decided to spend the weekend in Sedona for a little escape and to be surrounded by the stunning red mountains during this long Labor Day weekend.

The last time I was here was exactly a year ago with my then-husband. It's hard to believe that it was only a year ago that I was in this gorgeous place, and that there have been so many hellish and traumatic events that have happened since then. At that time, during that Sedona get-away a year ago, there had been a few hints of what was to come, but for the most part I was oblivious. I was still caught up in loving the man I thought he was and in total denial of the slip-ups in his facade that he'd so masterfully created for me. Denial was such an easy path to follow back then.

Now, looking back, I'm still sad. And I wish I wasn't still so sad. But I tell myself that it's only been about a couple of months since we settled and I put the ugly, sordid Order of Protection case behind me. I guess I'm expected to still be sad. I mean, my heart was not just broken but smashed into a bunch of tiny pieces that I've gradually been putting together.

My heart will heal. I can feel it at times when there is a glimmer of hope, like yesterday when I discovered a new hiking trail that I never knew existed. I hiked for two hours, stumbling upon incredible views of the side of a burning red mountain, or random patches of prickly pear cactus in total bloom. Every time a smile came to my face with each discovery at a turn in the trail, I felt in my heart that things are getting better. I know it will take more time, but any kind of recovery requires patience. And most of all, time.

Lovefraud writer asks how you know you've encountered a sociopath

2010-09-04T22:20:00.000-07:00

A great article came out today on Lovefraud.com by Dr. Liane Leedom. It definitely resonates with a lot of Lovefraud readers, considering the dozens of comments that keep popping up below the post. Leedom asks how one would know that they've come across a sociopath. For those of us who have been with a sociopath, this question can be terrifying since the last thing you want to do is end up with another sociopath. But how do you know? If you've already been "taken" once, can it happen just as easily again?

Leedom makes things very simple. In the article, Leedom simply asserts that it is the lying that defines a sociopath. If you recognize the lying, you can recognize that you've got a sociopath on your hands. Leedom explains, a sociopath's lying is not your average harmless white lie, and therefore relatively easy to recognize. A sociopath lies to manipulate or uphold an image that he has created through his lying. The lie, or lies, can be absolutely stunning and can take your breath away if you've taken it for granted that what he's told you is reality.

According to Leedom, you don't need a checklist to know if you've encountered a sociopath. Identifying a sociopath is as simple as this: "If you are astounded by another person's capacity to lie and misrepresent reality, you can be sure you have encountered a sociopath."

Yep, I've been there, done that. Once I was told such a whopping lie that he upheld for an entire year, that when it took me a few days to digest the fact that I'd been lied to in such a big way, he actually got angry at me for "not getting over it yet." Nice, huh....

You just can't win when you're with a sociopath. But you can leave! :)

Old friends are back in touch and shocked by my Order of Protection story

2010-08-27T16:59:00.001-07:00

Long-time friends of mine from Texas reached out to me yesterday. It had been a while since we'd been in touch, so it was really good to hear from them. They had happened to come across my blog, and were of course stunned to read the nightmare that has transpired over the past few months. They felt that my story was fitting for a Hollywood horror movie.

Yep. That's true. A total horror movie. An ultimate nightmare. So I filled in my friends on the gory details of what had transpired to cause me to file an Order of Protection. And as I was emailing them much of what had happened, it felt so incredibly surreal. I read over the email before I sent it, and it seemed so matter of fact. As if I had just written someone else's story. This craziness couldn't have happened to me.

But it did. And somehow I've survived. And I've turned away from it as quickly as possible, shoving it behind me and forging ahead with my life.

So far so good, but there are still times when a painful memory will rear its ugly head and I have to work at it to kill it before I begin to crumble.

The one thing that is so hard to get past is the fact that one human being can be so inhumanely cruel to another. It's so hard to understand. Especially when those human beings are married. But I know that I'll never truly understand the way someone like that thinks.

And am I thankful.

Lessons in domestic violence recounted in Kathleen Krenek's insightful article

2010-08-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

I just came across a fantastic opinion article that actually ran nearly two weeks ago in the Silicon Valley Mercury News. It was written by Kathleen Krenek, executive director of Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence. In the article, Krenek refers to the Mel Gibson tapes and basically analyzes aspects of Gibson's behavior that are obviously that of a typical batterer.

Gibson's phone calls indicated stalking, asserts Krenek, by the fact that he was "calling repeatedly, in this case allegedly 30 times in one day, including in the middle of the night,...(and) attempts at sleep deprivation through the calls ..."

It seems like most people, including the media, have spent a lot of time analyzing the content of Mel Gibson's phone calls, but what Krenek brings up, which is the stalking aspect of the phone calls themselves, is very important. Just the fact that he made these repeated phone calls is scary. And I know very well how scary it is to be on the receiving end of repeated, degrading phone calls. When I was dealing with repeated, stalking-type phone calls, I had the advantage of having access to the caller's phone records since we shared a cell phone account. When my phone was turned off, which I had to do at night when his phone calling was often incessant and interrupted my sleep, I could track his calls even when he didn't leave a voice message. And it was scary to see the frequency and crazy times of night that he attempted to call me.

This type of behavior is obviously all about control, and that's what I believe Mel Gibson's problem is. He apparently can't take the fact that he's not in control. He was grasping for some semblance of control through attempts at intimidation and degradation. But all that he accomplished with his horrific tirades on the phone was to give the world a reflection of himself.

Krenek ends her article with encouragement for people to act to bring an end to abusive behaviors. Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence is an incredible organization that was actually the second domestic violence shelter program to start in the state of California, and the very first domestic violence shelter to offer bilingual English-Spanish services in the U.S. You can reach Next Door by visiting their web site here or by calling their 24-hour hotline at 408-279-2962.

More interesting stuff from Adam Khan's blog on sociopaths

2010-08-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

I wrote about Adam Khan's blog nearly a month ago, and I continue to follow the comments to his "Common Everyday Sociopaths" blog post. One of Adam's recent comments pointed to an article in Scientific American Mind that is titled "Inside the Mind of a Psychopath." Apparently, scientists claim that the worst psychopaths aren't necessarily "bad" people, they merely suffer from a brain abnormality.

Well, no duh. Of course sociopaths/psychopaths have a brain abnormality. Anyone without a conscience has to have something seriously wrong with their brain, and it doesn't take a degree in neuroscience to figure that one out.

What caught my eye was the comment right below that one, written by an anonymous commenter who asks if it's possible for a sociopath to experience some form of love. Of course, this is a rhetorical question since a sociopath is incapable of truly loving another human being.

The comment goes on to explore whether or not a sociopath is "bad." And it's a fascinating comment. Interestingly, the writer asserts that it's irrelevant to think in terms of whether or not the sociopath is bad. Obviously, if you're the sociopath's victim, you'll believe him to be bad, most likely downright evil. But if you think along the lines of the sociopath, good vs. bad and right vs. wrong are completely irrelevant because "morality is concerned with how our actions affect others and human inter-relations." A sociopath's world is "devoid of feelings and human relations."

The above mentioned article in Scientific American Mind states that "One of the most striking peculiarities of psychopaths is that they lack empathy; they are able to shake off as mere tinsel the most universal social obligations. They lie and manipulate yet feel no compunction or regrets—in fact, they don’t feel particularly deeply about anything at all." So true. Sociopaths can't love another person since they can't feel anything on a deep emotional level at all.

Remember this like a mantra helps tremendously after breaking up with a sociopath.

Candlelight Vigil for Missing Arizona Woman, Friends and Family Seek Answers

2010-08-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

A group of devoted friends and family held a vigil yesterday for Jamie Laiaddee, a 32-year-old Arizona woman who has been missing for nearly five months. Flyers have been posted all over the Phoenix area as loves ones are determined to have closure on this tragic case.

Laiaddee's boyfriend, Rick Valentini, is the suspect in her disappearance, and has been in jail since May. The more information on him that has been released to the media, the more the guy sounds like an absolute sociopath in the worst possible sense. Not only does he have at least one known alias, and has been charged with forgery as well as with misconduct involving weapons, he has also used online dating sites to reach more women. He actually used Laiaddee's credit cards (after she had disappeared) to pay for online dating services, and proceeded to go on dates with several different women in the Phoenix area before police arrested him on May 28 in connection with Laiaddee's disappearance.

This bit of info on Valentini I found interesting....when he met Laiaddee, he pretended to be a college graduate. He apparently attempted to create a persona that would impress her. Nice.

He must be quite skilled at conning women, since he has several photos posted online that show him with different women that authorities assume he met online. All I can say is thank goodness he's in jail. And it makes me wonder how many others like him are out there, working the online dating sites....

How to Cut Ties With Your Abuser Online

2010-08-11T17:51:00.000-07:00

This article on CBS.com really made me laugh, although it does have some pearls of wisdom when it comes to cutting your online ties with an ex. You can so easily delete an abusive ex from your online life with just a click of a button....if only it were as easy offline!!

The greatest one is IDump4You.com, which purports to "take the messiness out of any breakup," and where you can pay a small fee to have the web site break up with someone for you. There are different tiers of service, from the $10 basic quick breakup call to the $50 divorce call. Personally, I think this is an awesome way to dump a sociopath.....in fact, if you visit the site and click on "psycho" in the upper navigation bar, you'll find an audio file dated 8/11/10 called "Kara dumps Matt." (That must have been the best $10 that Kara's ever paid in her life.) I just about fell out of my chair laughing as I listened to Matt.....hmm.....sounds so eerily familiar, even down to the way he talks.

As far as maintaining your online accounts such as Facebook and Twitter after a breakup, I think it's crucial to change all of your passwords. And to re-visit all security settings on all of your accounts, especially any blogs. On social networking sites like Facebook, you'll want to go through your list of friends and eliminate the ones who have any ties to your ex-abuser, especially his relatives. Even if your ex isn't a member of the same sites you are, it's wise to be as careful as possible.

In the Domestic Violence song, 'Love The Way You Lie,' Eminem and Rihanna give accurate depiction of an abusive relationship

2010-08-04T21:26:00.000-07:00

Released on June 22, this catchy song by Eminem is all over the radio these days. I like the beat, and whenever it's on the radio in my car, I belt out the lyrics right along with Rihanna. The song is so easy to relate to when you've been entangled in an abusive relationship. The fact that it features Rihanna is especially moving since she had her own struggles with domestic violence. When she sings, there are no tears, no whining, no regret or apologies....she simply puts out the truth of an abuse victim's perspective in a very telling, straightforward way.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that's alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

But that's alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie

Interestingly, the lyrics are written from the perspective of the abuser. It's filled with his heated arguing, excuses, and lie-filled apologies, and clearly shows the vicious cycle of abuse that makes up domestic violence.

I can't tell you what it really is

I can only tell you what it feels like

And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe

I can't breathe, but I still fight while I can fight

As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight

High of a love, drunk from the hate

It's like I'm huffing paint

And I love it the more that I suffer

I suffocate

And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me

She fucking hates me

And I love it

Wait

Where are you going

I'm leaving you

No you ain't

Come back

We're running right back

Here we go again

It's so insane....

You totally get how demented the thought process is of the misogynistic abuser and just how evil he is. The abuse depicted in the song is all too common, and anyone who has been abused will most likely feel the lyrics are all too familiar. It doesn't really matter what's said or done by the abuser -- abuse is abuse and the end result is that it feels just as degrading and horrific regardless.

....Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk

Told you this is my fault

Look me in the eyeball

Next time I'm pissed

I'll aim my fist at the dry wall

Next time

There will be no next time

I apologize

Even though I know it's a lie

I'm tired of the games

I just want her back

I know I'm a liar....

It's a pretty deep song for Eminem and I think it may actually end up making a difference as young people are exposed to it and feel it resonate with them.

Your abuser could be stalking you via your cell phone!

2010-08-03T19:21:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine brought an article to my attention today, and I really want to spread word of it to women who are trying to escape an abuser and stay safe. Location-tracking programs that are in some cell phones can be really helpful, like when you're trying to keep track of your teen's whereabouts. But they can also be very harmful for domestic violence victims.

The article in today's Wall Street Journal brings this issue to light by mentioning a recent case in Arizona where a man used his wife's cell phone to stalk her. According to the article, an increasing number of domestic violence victims arrive at shelters complaining that they can't figure out how their abusers are tracking them down. They're shocked to discover that their cell phones are the tool being used to find their location. Especially since a cell phone is often an abuse victim's lifeline, quickly putting her in touch with the police and others who can help in times of crisis. It's becoming common practice for women's shelters to provide domestic violence victims with new cell phones that can't be tracked, while completely dismantling the cell phones the victims bring in with them.

Before reading the article, I was aware of how cell phones can allow GPS tracking, but what I didn't know was how sophisticated the tracking software has become. Software such as MobileSpy can even track and record text messages. That's truly scary. Like if a woman is dealing with an angry, jealous abuser who would go ballistic if he knew she was texting another man.

With the various moneymaking add-on programs being offered by cell phone carriers, I'm wondering where the incentive is for them to ensure that abusers and stalkers aren't utilizing the programs for domestic violence purposes. It seems to me that these tracking systems are way too easy to abuse.

Take the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence's Relationship Quiz - Find Out if You're Being Abused

2010-07-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

I think the most difficult thing for a woman in an abusive relationship is to actually come to the realization that she's being abused. When you're being abused, whether physically or verbally (and, yes, both are forms of domestic violence), it can be nearly impossible to recognize abuse for what it truly is. And that's for several reasons. For one, it's really easy to get stuck in a state of denial. I mean this person who is abusing you supposedly loves you - at least that's what you believe - so how can someone who loves you possibly abuse you?? It makes absolutely no sense, and sometimes it's easier just to deny what's happening or to believe that your abuser will change.

And your life around you becomes even more distorted if your abuser is into playing mind games and tries to get you to believe that the abuse is your fault.

So often abusers deny being abusive. ("I would never call you names. I love you.")

Or they deflect it. ("But you called me 'stupid.'")

Or they downplay it. ("So what if I called you a f*cking bitch, that's no big deal. People say that kind of thing all the time.")

Or attempt to rationalize it. ("All couples have problems. We're just having a rough patch.")

There's actually an easy online quiz you can take to find out if you're in an abusive relationship. It's on the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence web site, and is a list of 14 questions. If you check even just one question, then you're in an abusive relationship. I just took it out of curiosity, based on my previous abusive relationship, and I checked off 7 questions. Seven. Unbelievable. And yet it took me months to come to the realization that I was in an abusive relationship. Maybe if I'd taken the quiz back when I was with my abuser, it would have been a wake-up call for me.

Take the quiz. Even if you don't suspect abuse. It can't hurt.

But abuse can.

Adam Khan's "common everyday sociopaths'

2010-07-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

I've stumbled upon an interesting blog that contains the best piece on sociopaths that I've read so far. In fact the blog author, Adam Khan, has had so many comments on this particular blog post that he created an entire blog just to field the comments.

What amazes me is that there are a lot more sociopaths walking around out there than most people realize, and the main reason for this is due to the fact that sociopaths are master manipulators. They have an uncanny ability to lie convincingly in order to get what they want. I've seen different statistics on just how many sociopaths exist within our population, and the figures tend to vary from 1 to 5%. On Khan's blog, 2% is offered as an estimate, which represents 1 in 50 people. When you think about it, that's pretty scary. Most likely we all know at least one sociopath, if not more, and we may not even realize it.

Another point brought up in the post is that sociopathy is a kind of a spectrum disorder. There may be different degrees of sociopathy. I hadn't thought of that, but if true, it explains a lot. Someone might be slightly sociopathic, enough to hurt others with their lack of remorse or conscience, and yet easily able to fit into society.

To learn more about people who lack a conscience, what motivates them, how to identify them and deal with them, visit Adam Khan's blog.

Mel Gibson's Abusive Audio Tapes Released on Radaronline.com

2010-07-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

There has been an incredible amount of online banter throughout the day after the 6th or 7th (I've lost count) audio tape of Mel Gibson verbally abusing Oksana Grigorieva hit the wires this morning.

Sadly, the vile audio recording sounds very familiar to me. And I'm guessing to anyone who's been verbally abused.

At one point, Mel yells at Oksana: “I’m not giving you my house and you can rot unless you crawl back, s*ck my cock and say you’re sorry, in that order! Do you understand me? You f*cking offend my f*cking maleness, my masculinity, my being, my soul!”

Nice.

So many are attempting to dissect the conversation, amid the "he said, she said" allegations, and I've found some of the online comments to be even more interesting than the tape itself. Mostly, people are pointing to the horrendous verbal abuse on the part of Mel. But, there are those who believe that Oksana is just as unstable, coercive and abusive as he is. Regardless, I think the fact that Oksana felt compelled to record their conversation says a lot.

I reached that point with my ex before I filed the Order of Protection against him. I think for me, I was recording our phone conversations not so much to use as future evidence against him (I wasn't even to that point mentally/emotionally yet), but to be able to re-play the conversations to myself and use them as a wake-up call. Crazy enough, even when I told my ex that I was recording our phone conversations (while recording them, of course), he didn't even seem to care.

It sounds like Mel didn't really care either. The guy's life has become such a spectacle that it's truly pathetic. Hopefully he'll get some kind of help, but for him, I wonder if it's too late.

Lovefraud Women Take Issue with Dear Abby's Advice to an Abuse Victim

2010-07-13T17:08:00.000-07:00

I know I recently posted about a Dear Abby column, but today there was yet another one that was causing a lot of online conversation, specifically on the Lovefraud blog. This particular Dear Abby piece is about a woman who is divorcing her abusive/controlling husband after 15 years of marriage, and she's worried about how others will perceive her since everyone else seems to think that he's such a nice guy. Abby responded to her that she should gossip with her girlfriends about his abusive behavior so that the "truth will spread like wildfire."

Needless to say, many women commenting on the Lovefraud blog today took issue with Abby's response. In fact there are over 50 comments.

Not only was it a little 1950's (Really? Like all women do is gossip??), but gossip is most likely the last thing this woman needs in her life as she goes through a divorce. One of the blog commenters believes that the "truth" is never actually realized; she believes that when abuse survivors attempt to speak out, others criticize her for being bitter and not moving on with her life.

Donna Andersen, on the other hand, commented that the only person who accused her of being bitter was her ex-husband. And she also says that she launched Lovefraud after her divorce for 2 reasons:

"1. It enabled me to learn about sociopaths, so I could talk intelligently about the personality disorder that explained what happened to me.

2. It enabled me to heal, so that I could talk about what happened to me without the anger and pain that I felt in the beginning. This makes it much easier for the listener to receive the message."

Kudos to Donna. Personally, I think she has done an amazing job of turning around her horrible experience with a sociopath into something positive that is helping other women find a community of other abuse survivors and heal through writing. Lovefraud.com offers a solid resource for women who are in an abusive relationship, getting out of one, or simply curious about the percentage of people in our society who lack remorse and have no problem abusing others to get their needs met.

So I guess I'm not all that enchanted with Dear Abby's take on how to handle abusive relationships - I think the column should focus on fluffier topics instead.

Irene Conlan's Fabulous Blog on Relationships amd Self Esteem

2010-07-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

Here's a fabulous blog post that I just have to share here. It's optimistic and filled with wise thoughts on relationships and how to build one the right way.

The blog is written by Irene Conlan who has a master’s degree in nursing, with a major in nursing administration and a minor in psychiatric nursing. She taught nursing at Arizona State University, served as Director of Nursing Administration at St. Luke’s Hospital and Medical Center in Phoenix and served as Assistant Director of the Arizona Department of Health Services for the Division of Health Care Facilities and Emergency Medical Services. She's also a fantastic writer.

I only wish I'd read her list about a year and a half ago... The part where Conlan writes, “Often, in a romantic relationship, passion prevails and, we think we know a person well, when actually we know very little,” basically sums up the big mistake I made when I allowed myself to be swept up into the whirlwind, passionate relationship that ended up in a disastrous and brief marriage (and an Order of Protection) after only six months of dating.

I'm definitely holding onto her list as I cautiously re-enter the world of dating.

Why I Decided to Have My Order of Protection Dismissed

2010-07-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

As I've written in previous posts, my journey to have my Order of Protection upheld in court was not an easy one. I was not at all surprised that my ex-husband requested a court hearing. It is difficult for someone who works in law enforcement to have an Order of Protection on his record, apparently.

In any case, in a strange turn of events, the commissioner who was presiding over our court hearing did not make a decision, which I'm guessing is due to the fact that she was new in her position and inexperienced with Order of Protection cases. Instead of making a decision, she granted a continuance. So following the hearing, my order remained in place and I was faced with having to return to court for a continuation of the hearing and to once again have to be in the same room with my ex-husband. Which of course was not a pleasant thing to look forward to. More like absolutely devastating. I'd assumed that I would never have to see him again after that day, especially since he lives out of state in California.

In the meantime, my ex-husband's attorney was attempting to bring a settlement offer to the table. In fact her emails were quite desperate. And at first I wanted nothing to do with a settlement. I was purely focused on having the commissioner uphold my Order of Protection. I was living in fear and felt that I needed police enforceable protection for myself and my children. However, as the weeks went by, I realized that I would be able to obtain much longer lasting protection with an option other than the Order of Protection. And that option ended up being in the form of an addition to our divorce decree.

In the end, we did settle, and to my terms. I refused to negotiate. This man had put me through hell. I would rather have gone back to court than to bend on any terms. My attorney and I put forth terms that I felt I could live with and that would protect me, my children and all other members of my family from any contact from my ex-husband for the rest of our lives. The terms were added to our divorce decree by way of an addendum. Included in the terms is the fact that he can never contact me or my children or any member of my family in any way. He also cannot enter the state where I am living for the next year. (This addendum is in the public domain, as is our divorce decree. Nothing was sealed, so all of the information is open to the public.)

The terms also included the fact that my ex-husband had to pay for my attorney's fees in the amount of $5,000. That included the $2,000 I paid to the attorney who handled my Order of Protection case, as well as the nearly $3,000 I paid to the attorney who handled our divorce. I felt that it was only fair that he pay the bills for all of the chaos that he caused.

All in all, this didn't end the way I'd ever expected. I had assumed that I would have the Order of Protection in place for the next year. But, in retrospect, this was a much better deal for me and for my family because this will always be in place. Plus it is considered a fully enforceable order of the court. So there will be immediate consequences should he choose to break any of the terms.

And....I'll never have to see my ex-husband again in court. That was one of the worst experiences to go through, but I guess a fitting final image of him. Seeing him in court just brought home all the reasons why I wish I'd never met him in the first place.

This was an extremely stressful, trying time, from the day I filed the Order of Protection to the day we settled -- the longest four months of my life.

Dear Abby Helps Emotional Abuse Survivor

2010-07-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

It's kind of wild how there have been two women writing in to Dear Abby about verbal and emotional abuse in just a handful of days. And the columnist dishes out fairly sage advice. Here's what I read this morning in my paper, The Arizona Republic:

Dear Abby: I am an 18-year-old woman and have been with my fiance for 2 1/2 years. I love him and can't picture my life without him. However, over the past six months he has become emotionally abusive. He's never wrong, gets made if I disagree with him about anything, and he yells at me over every little thing.

He used to treat me great, and now this. I miss how it used to be, and I cry almost every day. In the past I always told myself I would never put up with something like this, but I have been - and it gets harder every day. I know it's not physical, but emotional abuse counts for something, right? Or am I overreacting? Please give me advice. I need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Sad in Vegas

Dear Sad: You're not overreacting. What you are experiencing now is a preview of how the rest of your life will be if you stay with him. When a partner becomes controlling and emotionally abusive, in most cases it's only a matter of time until the physical abuse beings. If you're smart, you will put an end to this now. The "light at the end of the tunnel" is the sunshine you'll see once you exit this relationship and slam the door behind you.

Yes, Abby's got it right: SLAM that door behind you!! Then run. And fast. And never look back.

Of course, all this is sooo much easier said than done, but it sounds like "Sad in Vegas" may be on the right track because at least she's reaching out for advice. Once you're in an abusive relationship, your brain does this total warp trip where you get caught up and frozen in the cycle of abuse. And even when the abuse is absolutely horrific, you oddly feel more frightened to leave your abuser than you do to stay. Go figure. As crazy as it sounds, that part's absolutely true, whether you're beaten physically or emotionally. Beaten is beaten. After a while, the physical and emotional pain melds together and you don't know up from down. Or safe from danger. Or hope from terror.

But, at some point, whether it's 10 months into a relationship or 10 years, something snaps or clicks or hits you like an abrupt slap in the face, and you reach a place where you can actually turn away and leave. For me, it was my 8-year-old telling me that she wished that I would stop crying every day. And I had cried...every day...for nearly a year, but I didn't even realize it until her eyes, filled with fear, looked deep into mine. Then it hit me that I had cried every single day, sometimes more than once, for the entire 10 months of my marriage. Like "Sad in Vegas," I missed how it used to be. How he used to be. I missed the man who never really existed, who evaporated shortly after becoming my husband.

But even though I realized that I needed to end our relationship, it was still a process. And a part of me still held onto hope that things would change. That the man I missed so desperately would suddenly reappear and life would go back to normal. Until I finally had to seek help from the police. That's when hope evaporated.

The only part about the columnist's advice to "Sad in Vegas" that I'm not so sure I agree with is the part where she writes "If you're smart, you will put an end to this now." Abby's obviously never been abused. ;)

In reality, it doesn't matter whether you have a GED or a PhD from an Ivy League. Abuse insidiously infiltrates every level of society. And it's just as challenging psychologically and emotionally to break free from it whether you're a CEO of a major corporation or a waitress in a coffee shop.

The good news is that you can break free.

Amy Shroff Goes to Police With Restraining Order, Seeking Protection, but Gets Arrested Instead

2010-07-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

A story hit the wires shortly before the 4th of July weekend about an abused young woman who was wrongfully arrested by a police officer who either couldn't read English or didn't bother reading the restraining order she had against her husband. It's an unbelievable story on many levels, and yet apparently this kind of thing happens.

So this woman, Amy Shroff, went to the police to seek protection from her ex-husband who was following her in his truck and actually blocked her in after she parked in front of the police station. She went inside with her Order of Protection in her hand and gave it to police officer Frank Spellman. Spellman apparently "misinterpreted" the order and threw her in jail for the night. Nice, huh? (I guess he was confused over what the words petitioner and defendant mean?!?)

Shroff is a new mom and is breastfeeding her baby, but when she pleaded to be set free so that she could go home to feed her baby, her request was denied. The baby ended up having to take formula that night and became ill because of it.

Fortunately, in the end, Shroff was awarded $175,000 from the City of Denver due to this horrendous wrongful arrest. Personally, I think she deserved way more.

According to an article on CBS4Denver.com, Shroff's attorney David Lane had this to say: "When a woman, who is an abused woman, goes to the police for protection ends up in jail because the cop is too stupid or lazy to read the restraining order, I'm sorry, that is an outrage," Lane said.

You can find the story by clicking here.

You can also find another version that includes a photo of Shroff on kdvr.com.

My favorite comment attached to the kdvr.com story comes from someone in Ames, Iowa: "Stop accommodating abusers. Take restraint orders seriously. Back up the victims according to laws already in place. Quit doing everything you can to shut up women who have been victimized. And fire that cop. He didn't uphold the law - or the order."

My sentiments exactly.

Violence Against Women Act and the US Government's Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook

2010-07-01T05:58:00.000-07:00

After President Clinton signed the Violence Against Women Act in 1994, many new programs were started and enhanced around the country to work towards ending domestic violence. One such program was the establishment of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE).

On the US Department of Agriculture web site, you can find an online Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook that's really quite helpful. I like the fact that domestic violence is clearly defined, and that the forms of domestic violence other than physical abuse are listed. Verbal abuse is so often misunderstood and not considered "real" domestic violence, even though it is just as insidious, and at times even more so, than physical abuse. The following is an excerpt from the handbook:

In an abusive relationship, the abuser may use a number of tactics other than physical violence in order to maintain power and control over his or her partner:
Emotional and verbal abuse:
Survivors of domestic violence recount stories of put-downs, public humiliation, name-calling, mind games and manipulation by their partners. Many say that the emotional abuse they have suffered has left the deepest scars.
Isolation:
It is common for an abuser to be extremely jealous, and insist that the victim not see her friends or family members. The resulting feeling of isolation may then be increased for the victim if she loses her job as a result of absenteeism or decreased productivity (which are often associated with people who are experiencing domestic violence).
Threats and Intimidation:
Threats -- including threats of violence, suicide, or of taking away the children -- are a very common tactic employed by the batterer.
The existence of emotional and verbal abuse, attempts to isolate, and threats and intimidation within a relationship may be an indication that physical abuse is to follow. Even if they are not accompanied by physical abuse, the effect of these incidents must not be minimized. Many of the resources listed in this book have information available for people who are involved with an emotionally abusive intimate partner.
To visit this site and read the handbook, click here.

Still Dealing With the Memories

2010-06-28T06:40:00.000-07:00

I think the hardest thing to deal with at this point is coping with the memories that resurface. I still go back to that night in February when the last straw broke. I'll never understand why my then-husband Neil Zucconi and I got to the point where he wouldn't leave my house when I asked him to....why he even insisted on coming inside when I made it clear that he wasn't welcome. To get to the point where you have to call the police to have your husband removed from your home is an awful place to be. Especially when he's in law enforcement himself and regularly carries a firearm. That only adds to your overwhelming fear.

Until that night, it hadn't occurred to me to get an Order of Protection. I didn't even know what one was -- all I knew was that I wanted things to end between my husband and myself. I wanted us to divorce and to go our separate ways in peace. That's it. But, of course, that didn't exactly happen.

I've written some over the past few weeks about what happened during the course of my Order of Protection case. There's still a lot more I plan to write. It wasn't just a matter of filing the order and then going about my life. There was a lot to deal with, both emotionally and legally. One thing that I wasn't prepared for was the fact that I ended up having to hire an attorney. I had thought that I could simply lean on my local police department's Victim Services program. It's a wonderful resource, and I'm indebted to the program staff who helped me tremendously. However, when the defendant in an Order of Protection case requests a court hearing, you never know what to expect. I learned that the hard way.

Unfortunately, in our case, we ended up with a judge who was apparently inexperienced with Order of Protection cases. I think that the advice I'd give anyone who is dealing with going to court to have their Order of Protection upheld is to get the very best representation in place beforehand, even if you have to pay through the teeth for an expensive attorney, because you never know what kind of judge will preside over your case. Don't just assume it will be an easy win and that you can do it without an attorney, even if you have solid testimony and evidence. I did have an amazing Victim Services advocate with me from my local police department, however she wasn't allowed to accompany me when the judge abruptly stopped the hearing and pulled us into her chambers. If I'd had an attorney who was experienced with Orders of Protection in that room with me to help educate the judge, things may have ended differently that day.

Fortunately in my case, although I eventually had to resort to hiring an attorney who specializes in Orders of Protection, I was able to have my ex-husband pay for the fees through our settlement agreement. So I didn't have to pay a dime.

More of my story to come....

Arizona's Immigration Law and its Impact on Immigrant Victims of Domestic Violence

2010-06-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

There has obviously been a lot of talk around the country about Arizona's immigration law, SB 1070. One issue with it that is just now entering the conversation is with regards to immigrant women who are dealing with domestic violence. Montini wrote an excellent article that appears in today's Arizona Republic on this topic. He brings attention to the fact that immigrant women are likely to avoid seeking help or reporting the abuse they're experiencing because of fears that they will be deported.

The Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence is among organizations that are joining together to support a lawsuit against SB 1070.

Sadly, immigrant women who are experiencing abuse and are too scared to report it are giving their abusers even more power than they already have over them. It's really tragic. And I imagine that most are unaware that they can apply for a special visa that protects victims of domestic violence.

I just thought I'd help spread awareness to this issue because once SB 1070 goes into effect, unreported incidences of domestic violence will only increase among this population.

Early Warning Signs of an Emotional and Verbal Abuser

2010-06-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

I just stumbled upon a site called Effective Self Defense for Women where Dr. Steven Stosny lists the main warning signs of an emotional/verbal abuser. I was fascinated to read through his list, and only wish I'd had this list handy back in 2008 when I was dating. It would have saved me from much hell. Anyway, I'm borrowing from his list here (and adding a few of my own comments), and I've only included those warning signs that I found extremely insightful, but you can find his list in its entirety at the link listed at the end of this post.

Very Early Warning Signs of an Emotional/Verbal Abuser:

1) Superiority - a person with a superiority complex and a heightened sense of self-righteousness will often have predatory self-esteem where they need to make other people feel bad about themselves. Like someone who is standing in a checkout line at the grocery store and has no problem talking loudly and deprecatingly about those around him.

2) Pettiness - watch out for a person who makes a big deal out of nothing, or focuses constantly on one negative aspect of an issue. I guarantee this will drive you insane. For example, he blows up at you for forgetting to text or call him the dozen times per day that he insisted on, even though it was because you got busy at work. Or, he yells at you non-stop for two hours and repeatedly calls you a f--king b-tch because you didn't eat ice cream with him after dinner.

6) Sarcasm - this can be hostile and demeaning, and the purpose is always about shaking down someone else's confidence. Like when he is laughing at you in a vicious way even while you are crying.

7) Deceit - it's true that when people are dating, they want to put on the best face possible, and there is often unintentional exaggeration of their better qualities. But watch out for blatant and downright evil deception, such as, "Yes, I got a criminal law degree from such-and-such university many years ago," when in fact the guy only has a GED.

8) Minor Jealousy - jealousy will only build up over time, so watch out for even minor jealousy. It's definitely a red flag when a guy tells you how to wear your clothes, or tells you how far up to button your blouse so that you end up walking out of the house looking like you're Amish.

9) The Rusher - a person who moves too fast into a relationship does not respect boundaries. One definition of abuse is "that which violates personal boundaries." Watch out for someone who professes their love for you way too early, or worse yet, starts proposing marriage only three or four months into the relationship. Repeatedly. And won't give up until you say "yes." Believe me, this is bad. Bad. (Just say nooo!!)

For the expanded version of the above list (minus my commentary) provided by Dr. Steven Stosny, please click here.

'Reminiscing' Over a Honeymoon That Went Way Wrong

2010-06-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

My horoscope today said "expect some sentimental reminiscing." I rarely check out my horoscope, but that section in the paper happened to be next to a Dear Abby column where a woman was complaining about her verbally abusive husband. That kind of caught my eye.

So I wasn't really in a "sentimental reminiscing" sort of mood today, but I ended up watching a Tivo'd re-run of "Modern Family," my absolute favorite show....and it was the first of the two-part episode where the entire family goes to Hawaii. I love that episode. And they just happen to go to Maui and stay at the Four Seasons resort, which is right next door to the gorgeous Grand Wailea resort where my ex-husband and I stayed on our honeymoon. As I watched the episode, I couldn't help noticing the backdrop -- the very beach where Neil and I spent a lot of time while we were there. And I couldn't help reminiscing. But, it ended up not being the kind of reminiscing you'd expect from a honeymoon in tropical paradise.

Because no matter how hard I try to remember the beauty of Maui, I end up thinking about how I actually left two days early, returning home alone, completely broken-hearted. What kind of a man yells at his wife and repeatedly calls her a f--king b-tch while on their honeymoon?? Even now, in this "reminiscing" kind of mood, I still don't understand it. It seems incomprehensible to me. I've never even heard of a person leaving their honeymoon early, returning alone to an empty house and wondering who the hell they married.

When I told my friends, after I got over the embarrassment and shame I felt for having had to deal with such a horrendous situation, they were stunned. One of my close friends even cried. She couldn't believe the way I was treated and said she thought it was tragic that I felt compelled to leave my beloved Hawaii early. I was born there, and it's one of two places in the world where I feel most at home.

But, I've decided that I'm not going to let that devastating experience taint Hawaii in any way. Someday I'll go back to Maui and create completely new memories there that will wipe away the old. Then, I'll have something that is truly worth reminiscing.

The Signs You're Dating a Sociopath, Courtesy of Lovefraud.com

2010-06-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

Lovefraud.com offers a wealth of information on sociopaths, con artists, psychopaths, anti-socials, master-manipulators and the like. It also has a fantastic blog filled with stories from women and experts, and offers great support for women who are recovering from being with a sociopath. Apparently, over 50,000 people visit the site each month, searching for information and help. For any woman who has to file an Order of Protection to remove a sociopath from her life, this site can be a tremendous resource.

One of the site's articles that I think every woman who's dating should have is the following....

10 Signs that you’re dating a sociopath

If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful.
He or she might be a sociopath.

1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.

2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.

3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you
every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.

4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate
you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.

5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.

6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.

7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.

8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.

9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.

10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is
unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.

For more information, visit Lovefraud.com. The site was created by freelance writer and book author Donna Andersen, after her own experience being married to a sociopath.

An Order of Protection Court Hearing Gone Awry

2010-06-13T16:48:00.000-07:00

My Victim Services Advocate from my local police department had prepared me for the fact that it was likely that my ex-husband, Neil, would request a court hearing after he was served with the Order of Protection. He is an air marshal and air marshals are required to carry a firearm while on the job, but with the Order of Protection in place, he was unable to possess a gun. So I was somewhat prepared to have to go to court to make sure the order was upheld. And at least I had my testimony and evidence ready, thanks to the tremendous help from my advocate.

What I wasn't prepared for was how hard it was emotionally to have to see Neil again. That was the last thing I wanted to do, and was basically the main reason I got the Order of Protection in the first place -- so that I'd never have to see him or talk to him again. Just being in the same room with him, to see him there with an attorney representing him, was so incredibly difficult. I honestly couldn't believe I'd married a man who would bring us to this point. This horrible place where we had to face each other and testify against each other in court. It's so brutal. And unbelievable to think that I ever loved him. Now, looking back, I can't even remember loving him. It's like those memories just died and disintegrated.

Somehow I got through my part of the court hearing. As my advocate had told me ahead of time, I was asked by the judge to give my testimony and evidence in the very beginning. I was so glad to get it over with, as it was excruciating to go through. As every word came out of my mouth, I felt like I was reliving the nightmare that I'd experienced. It was so hard to keep my composure.

Oddly enough, the judge stopped our hearing immediately after my testimony. She called us back to her chambers, and let us know that she didn't want our conversation to be recorded in court. I asked if I could bring my advocate to her chambers with me, but the judge's assistant told me no, that we "didn't have enough time." So there I was alone without my advocate, in a small cramped office with the judge, Neil and his attorney. The situation seemed very underhanded on the part of the judge, and I was frustrated when, in the beginning, she only talked directly to Neil and not to me. She said that she was concerned about his job being impacted by the hearing since he's in law enforcement. I was stunned by this. Legally, the defendant's job has nothing to do with whether or not the Order of Protection should be upheld. The more the judge talked, the more it became obvious that she was inexperienced in Orders of Protection hearings. I found out later that she was brand new in her position and had previously been a defense attorney.

After the impromptu, behind-closed-doors meeting, and we went back into the courtroom, the judge granted Neil a continuance, and she scheduled another hearing for 35 days later. Again, I was stunned. I turned to my advocate, confused, and she whispered, "You've just been screwed by this judge."

Normally, a judge or commissioner will make a decision at the hearing, without granting a continuance. What happened was unbelievable. So I left the court knowing that I'd given up all of my testimony and evidence, and that Neil and his attorney could play around with it for the next 35 days until the next hearing. And at the next hearing, I wouldn't be given an opportunity to speak at all. I really couldn't believe this was happening. I counted on the fact that I'd have a decision from the judge that day, and that I'd be able to move on with my life, whatever the decision. And I would never have to see Neil again. But, the judge completely pulled the rug from under me. Now I would have to face him yet again.....and this time I'd have to hire an attorney since the judge displayed such an appalling lack of knowledge and experience.

More on this later....

What do sociopaths want? According to Lovefraud, it's all about power, control and sex!

2010-06-12T06:42:00.000-07:00

"How could a man say all those wonderful things and not mean them? How could a man who talked so eloquently about love be lying?"

So asks women on Lovefraud who were relentlessly pursued by sociopaths. The worst thing about dealing with having a sociopath in your life, well, besides the horrific abuse, is the fact that you're left with the question...why??

Why does a sociopath do what he does? What is his motivation? As an excellent article on Lovefraud asserts, it is truly impossible to completely understand the "core" of a sociopath and how completely, scarily, different they are from the majority of us. The author, Donna Andersen, states that the 4% of society who are sociopaths "might as well be aliens. These people feel no empathy at all towards other human beings, have no conscience, and are interested only in power, control and sex ... it means sociopaths feel entitled to take what they want, regardless of how their actions may damage others. It means they get no satisfaction from connectedness with others, they only get satisfaction from winning. It means sociopaths view the world as predators and prey - they are the predators and everyone else is prey."

Unbelievable, huh. Donna Andersen has most obviously been there. Of course, she's the founder of Lovefraud. And thanks to her persistence in speaking out about the horrors of sociopaths, we can all become better educated and hopefully more and more women will avoid them in the first place.

Having My Husband Served with an Order of Protection

2010-06-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in a previous post dated June 1, after that awful night on February 5th when I had to call 911 to have my then-husband Neil Zucconi removed from my home, I decided to file an Order of Protection against him at the advice of the two police officers who had witnessed his behavior. I went to court and quickly obtained the order after going before a judge and discussing the reasons behind my need for police enforceable protection. The order was easily granted. And I thought that simply obtaining the order would be the end of it. That I'd never see him again and I could pick up the pieces and go on with my life.

But of course I knew I'd have to have Neil served with the Order of Protection before it would be valid and enforceable. That part literally made me sick to my stomach. And it turned out to be tricky and more time consuming than I'd anticipated. I first hired a private process server, which typically costs around $100. The process server made two attempts to serve him, but unfortunately Neil had caught wind of the fact that I'd filed the Order of Protection and dodged the service attempts by leaving the state.

At that point, I looked into having the county sheriff's department closest to where Neil lives handle the service process, but since I live in a different state, it would have cost about three times what I'd paid the private process server. That didn't seem fair. So instead I turned to my local police department's victim services program. They assured me that they could easily handle having him served and it wouldn't cost me a dime.

The police victim services staff are amazingly dedicated, and my advocate in particular worked incredibly hard in conjunction with all kinds of authorities over in California throughout the process, from the National Guard and Homeland Security to the police, the sheriff in two different counties and even the airport police. It took about a month, but they finally tracked him down and had him served.

There was absolutely nothing fun about any of this. I don't remember really sleeping much at all throughout that month. The fact that I had to do this to protect myself and my children was so depressing and stressful. I imagine that every hour countless people are filing Orders of Protection against other people all over the country. As if it's no big deal.

But it is a big deal. It's horrifying to think that you'd have to go to this extreme measure to keep yourself safe. Especially when you're trying to keep yourself safe from someone who you thought had only your best interests at heart. Someone you trusted and opened your entire life to. Someone who you thought truly loved you. Someone you believed in. To have to cope with the fact that the person never really loved you at the exact same time when you're also dealing with having to file a restraining order against him is beyond devastating. It's also an extremely lonely place to be.

Important Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

2010-06-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

When you're in an abusive relationship, it is very easy to get caught up in the cycle of abuse unknowingly, and before you know it, the abuse has spiraled out of control.

The following are some red flags that you may be in an abusive relationship, courtesy of Helpguide.org's domestic violence resources, as well as The Red Flag Campaign, a project of the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance which is funded by the Verizon Foundation.

Your partner:
- tells you how to dress or act
- accuses you of flirting or "coming on" to others
- makes vulgar or disparaging comments about others in your presence
- blames arguments and problems on you
- lies to you
- yells at or humiliates you
- threatens to hurt you if you break up with him/her
- calls you names
- constantly checks up on you
- experiences extreme mood swings; says you're the best one minute and rips you apart the next
- doesn't listen to you; things always have to be done his/her way
- blames you for how he/she treats you

(Gee, does this list bring back memories....)

And you, in turn, feel the following:
- afraid to break up with him/her
- tied down, like you have to check in all the time with that person
- afraid to make decisions
- afraid your partner will cut you down
- overwhelming sadness and often depression
- worried and obsessed over how to make your partner happy
- that the abuse is getting worse over time
- helpless
- overly emotional
- exhausted
- that if you only loved him/her more then the abuse will stop
- worthless
- embarrassed and ashamed
- trapped and desperate
- confused; one minute you desperately want to break free, and the next minute you think he/she will change enough for the relationship to hang on

A person emotionally abuses their partner in order to strip away their independence and feelings of self-esteem and self-worth. It's an insidious form of abuse, causing deep, long-lasting internal scars. Unless you've been on the receiving end, it's really hard to understand how debilitating emotional and verbal abuse is.

It is important to remember than an abuser CAN control his/her behavior. They choose very carefully when and where to abuse their partner, which often makes the abuse victim feel like they're going crazy. If you're being abused, it is absolutely NOT your fault for being mistreated. Remember that the only thing that you should focus on is being safe. You may not necessarily be safe if you decide to get a restraining order, but it is an option to consider. To learn more about restraining orders in your area, call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

Going to court to file an Order of Protection

2010-06-07T15:28:00.000-07:00

When I went to the Superior Court in Phoenix to file an Order of Protection against Neil, it was an overwhelming process. I first had to go to the Family Violence Prevention Center located in the Superior Court building. It was such a sad place. There were other women there who were doing the same thing that I was - filing an Order of Protection in order to feel safe. And we all had to fill out the same paperwork. And relive the chaos that we'd been living.

It was quite sobering to be in that place, both physically and figuratively. Me, in a Family Violence Prevention Center?? Are you kidding me??? That was someplace I never thought I'd be -- ever. One thing that my divorce attorney had advised me was to be sure to write about what had happened over the course of the ten months that we'd been married. She said that if I didn't include mention of what had happened during those ten months, then I'd be limited in what I'd be able to provide in my testimony if I were to have to go to court.

Looking back, I wish I'd been more specific with dates. I only included the mention of one date in particular -- that evening of February 5th when I had to call the police to my home. Later, that ended up biting me in court because the judge only let me talk about that one date that I'd included in my Order of Protection petition. But that's another story for another post....

So there I was, in the Family Violence Prevention Center wondering how the heck I could possibly be there, spending an hour filling out the Order of Protection petition forms, and crying inside, wishing that none of this had ever happened. That I'd never married him. That I'd never met him. This was all such a nightmare.

How do you decide to file an order of protection?

2010-06-01T23:10:00.000-07:00

To get to the point where you have to call 911 to have the police remove your husband from your home is an awful place to be. I never saw it coming, that terrifying night in February when I found myself curled up in a ball, trembling and sobbing on my front patio, looking up into the faces of two police officers peering over me. When one officer suggested that I go straight to the county superior court the next morning to file an Order of Protection against my husband, I didn't even know what that was.

How could this be me? I wasn't one of "those" women who ends up a victim of abuse. I'm an Ivy League-educated, 40-something mom of three, busy executive of a health care organization, and supposedly fairly intelligent. Domestic Violence wasn't supposed to be part of my life in any way, shape or form, other than the remote articles I occasionally glanced at in the newspaper of some silly woman getting beat up by her boyfriend.

But this is me. I'm right alongside the silly women getting beat up. I'm here, in this realm -- one that I know aboslutely nothing of. There's no instruction manual for this kind of situation. I'd never ever called 911 before in my life, and yet here I was, my teeth chattering and hands shaking with fear, staring at my wide open front door that completely exposed my home while police officers carefully walked inside to approach my angry husband. The inside of my house would never look the same after this. The warm oriental rugs and cozy furniture would now only remind me of this night of overwhelming fear and panic. And violation and humiliation. Things would never be the same.

Days later, after peeling myself off the floor and spending hours and hours talking with my newly found friend and advocate at the local police department's victim services program, I made it all the way to court and sat before a judge to file an Order of Protection against my husband. I had thought that act would mark an end. I had already filed for divorce, ending our brief 10-month marriage as quickly as I could, and I figured that the Order of Protection would add an additional seal to the closure -- ensuring that I'd never have to live through another terrifying night again.

But, it turned out that simply filing the Order of Protection was merely the beginning of yet another ordeal, continuing with the actual serving of the order and a subsequent very stressful court hearing. You see it's not so easy filing an Order of Protection against a federal agent.

But that's another story yet to be shared.

The nightmare of filing an Order of Protection against my husband

2010-05-27T06:23:00.000-07:00

I filed an Order of Protection (restraining order or OOP) against Neil Zucconi with the Superior Court in Phoenix, and he was subsequently served by a Deputy Sheriff in California. Neil was my husband at the time that I went to court to obtain the OOP, although we have since divorced (and quickly!!). The amount of mental anguish and emotional stress and general fear that I've been dealing with in filing the restraining order against him has truly overwhelmed me. I had no idea how difficult it would be to go through the process of filing the OOP and then have him served. Unfortunately, there don't seem to be any real instructions on how to go about this process anywhere - I just kind of stumbled along. I did have the support of my local police department. They have been great, and I've leaned heavily on their Victim Services program for support.

In fact it was my local police who in the end had my ex-husband served. That in itself was a crazy and lengthy process. At first, I chose to hire a private process server, but that route can be expensive, and in my case, unsuccessful. Next, I was going to turn to the County Sheriff, but decided against it because if you are serving someone who is out of state, that is also costly. The last thing I wanted to do was pay $$ to have Neil served. It didn't seem fair, after everything that I'd been through. So I turned to the police, and amazingly, they were able to help me for free even though it was a logistical challenge having to serve someone who was out of state.

I'm in the process of reaching out to others who are dealing with or who have dealt with filing an Order of Protection against a spouse or significant other. It's not a fun thing to do. Especially when that person is in law enforcement. It's intimidating and incredibly stressful, even when you have the best of resources and a strong support system.

My Order of Protection Saga

2010-05-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

I've started writing this blog as a way to work through the chaos of the past few months of my life. In expressing what I've gone through, I also hope to reach others who are faced with a similar situation and need to know they're not alone. Deciding to file an Order of Protection against someone else, whether they're a colleague, family member, significant other, or whatever, is stressful enough....and then you have to deal with the legal system. When I entered this realm, I really had no understanding of what an Order of Protection meant, the consequences involved, the cost, and the incredible mental and emotional toll. I've created this space here to write about what I've gone through and to work through the nightmare so that one day I can leave it behind.